Like Spock and his pon farr I too hold to a seven year biological imperative: the ingesting of a Slim Jim. I don’t say “eating” a Slim Jim as that would suggest some type of enjoyment or nutrition. I don’t partake in these often because I believe for every Slim Jim you consume, the universe takes one month off of your life and gives it to Jeff Foxworthy.
I do appreciate the engineering involved in the manufacturing of Slim Jims. To take sawdust, oil, and brown, and somehow turn them into a meat approximation stick is nothing short of a molecular miracle.
However, why any human would then introduce this into their digestion system is beyond me. Why, when standing in a convenience store filled with delicious sugars and salts, would you suddenly grab one of these vacuum sealed abominations out of the card stock foldy bin on the counter? They are not very filling and worst of all, they leave that weird loss of hope aftertaste in your mouth for hours.
I found this bit of foul at the dollar store (shocking) for less than a dollar (not so shocking). They didn’t have the Single Slim Jim so I had to buy the Slim Jim Beef ‘n Cheese: Mild, which is just the original fella who comes packaged with his Appalachian cousin, the cheese stick. Although not mentioned in the product name, a little reading through the ingredients list does reveal that it is indeed cheddar cheese. And I think “cheese” is a bit of a stretch at that. Perhaps it should be called Slim Jim Beef ‘n Orange Floppy Crayon That Makes You Want to Re-Evaluate Your Life and the Horrible Decisions You’ve Made: Mild.
The cheese stick doesn’t even taste like matter. It’s gelatinous and wet and soft and might possibly be the Overlord that we will one day bow down to when the giant ones arrive from space and begin enveloping entire cities.
I put a wick into the end of the cheese stick and lit it. It burned down like a candle and released the aroma of lift kits and Tasmanian devil tattoos.
But I digress. And hate.
Possibly the worst food product ever. See you in seven years you bastard.