I hate stopping to get gas. I mean I really hate it. I hate the whole process: the stopping on the way to somewhere, the getting out of the car, the paying, the pumping, the driving off and stopping again when I notice the gas cap is open! I hate it! I refuse to even fill up my tank out of pure spite. In my own rebellion of one, I feel like if I only give the omnipotent, tyrannical oil companies twenty dollars at a time, somehow I win. I hope to die without having any extra gas in my car. I haven’t had a full tank in a decade.

The only and I mean ONLY redeeming value of stopping to get gas is going in the convenience mart to look for snacks. And really that has only been part of my life for less than a year, so I’m still working through a lot of anger.

This week I found myself wandering the grimy aisles of a 7-Eleven. While humming along to the store’s broadcast of OMC’s “How Bizarre” I noticed a rogue bag of Doritos holding down the coveted front counter display position near the brown bananas and knock off five hour energy drinks.

Doritos Flamas. The first thing that struck me was that I had not encountered this bag before. The second thing that struck me was a debate as to whether this product was pronounced like Flamers or if it rhymed with lamas. Knowing Doritos and their Xtreme leaning, I surmised that surely this would be spelled with a “z” if it was the indeed the hip version of Flamers. Then noticing the bag was mostly in Spanish, I decided it was Flamas like lamas.

These chips are branded under the Sabritas name, which is Doritos’ Mexican imprint. So what I believe Doritos has done here is distill and entire country’s people, culture, and cuisine into two ingredients. Because that’s not offensive. Those two flavors that we all love best about Mexican food? Chili and lime.

Yep.

The best thing I can say about these chips is that one of them looked like a dinosaur.

These. Things. Are. Foul.

They are wildly, obnoxiously red. Finger-staining, I’m-putting-this-into-my-body-question-mark red. And all of that powder goes a long way. They are spicy. The spice gets right up in your facetongue, and it lingers a while. Although I’m not big on heat, there is nothing wrong with a spicy Dorito. The problem with this spicy Dorito is that the spice IS PAIRED WITH LIME!

Would you like to know what a chili and lime coated corn chip tastes like? Because I’m going to tell you. And I’m going to do it without any kind of hesitation or equivocation. It tastes EXACTLY like a very very spicy, lime Fruit Loop.

Yep.

The end.

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