An Open Letter to All Global Potato Chip Conglomerates
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to you today as a concerned citizen snacker of the United States of America. It is my belief that we are living in a golden age of snacking. Never has there been a time when more snack options have been made available to more people.
However, today I address you Big Potato Chip. I feel that you are failing me as an American. While I am certainly no flag-waving patriot, I do feel that America excels at one thing: consumption. Consumption on a gluttonously epic level not seen since Roman vomitoriums. You give us a decent product, and we will consume the holy hell out of it. We will down sodas by the gallon and chicken by the bucket.
And I feel you are taking advantage of us.
Knowing our enthusiasm for salts, I believe you have given up trying to woo us and are now resting comfortably on your laurels. Since I was a child I have been eating the same handful of chip varieties week in and week out: Barbeque, Sour Cream and Onion, Salt and Vinegar. And while I do enjoy all of them, I want, nay, I need more. I need to walk down the chip aisle in the grocery store with bated breath, excited to explore a new flavor that I haven’t yet sampled (like I used to do when I was a kid and got to pick my own Kool-Aid packet).
Above all I am a realist. I know that not every flavor experiment is destined for greatness. Many will fail. That is science and is forgivable, noble even. But I also know that many will be great. And I know this because many of these great varieties already exist in other more enlightened parts of the world!
Take for example this bag of Lay’s Chicken with Spices Potato Chips (smuggled into the states from Poland by my sister, duct taped around her ribcage, under the cover of darkness). These chips are fantastic! Seriously authentic chicken flavor dusted with a delightful (delightful!) blend of mustard, garlic, onion, and pepper. These chips are simple and unique and delicious and I want more of them! But I will not get more because they are being withheld from me, by you, Big Potato Chip, and I demand to know why!
Now certainly with some Polish flavors like Autumn Mushrooms in Cream or Autumn Stew Strogonov (Real flavors! How awesome is that?), you could claim regional tastes as a reason for their absence from American markets. But Chicken with Spices? That seems pretty universal to me. Surely it cannot be difficult to house a tank of seasoning and a file containing a bag design in one of your factories.
Yes, I could order these online, but I shouldn’t have to. I live across the street from a 7-Eleven, blocks away from a grocery store, and two miles away from a Super Walmart and a Home Depot. I could fill my bathtub with Activa, buy a crossbow, and hire a construction slave while drinking a Slurpee that contains more liquid than some African nations, but I will never be able to buy Lay’s Chicken with Spices Potato Chips. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You owe it to us, your ardent supporters, to do better. Do not judge us by the midnight Walmart dirt people and their nocturnal Slim Jimming. We have discriminating palates and we want those palates to be stimulated!
We can only be subjugated by your tyranny for so long. You will rue the day when we finally rise as one, put on pants, brush the crumbs from our chest hair, and wheezily storm your headquarters with torches and pitchforks on a day that will forever be known as Le Jour de Saveurs et de Regret. I thank you for your time.
Yours in sincere snacking,
The Food Junk Staff
***Disclaimer: I do not endorse Jamie Lee Curtis, string-based weaponry, or indentured servitude.
You are a true wordsmith my friend…and I too experienced the rush of choosing my own Kool-Aid packet as a kid, a memory I still cling to fondly.
Haha, awesome, as always!!
And I totally agree with Courtney about the wordsmithing!! 
I should send you a couple packs of Swiss varieties — the flavors are sometimes too scary to try (except maybe by someone as brave and snacksperienced as yourself)… And some that I was brave enough to try were downright nasty (yes, I’m looking at you, bag of potato, beet & carrot chips!! *shudders*) but there *are* some that are fun to look at (like the bright blue potato chips made from blue potatoes) AND yummy to eat all at the same time!! ;-D
Hey Sandra! Havent heard from you in a while. I’ve never had the blue potatoes only the blue tortilla chips. The chips on the Polish Lay’s website were crazy. Don;t think I saw any beets on there though.
Wow we have loads of odd flavours in the UK going on at the minute, im sure the other day i saw Burger flavoured pringles!
Havent tried Burger Pringles, but the Cheeseburger Doritos are quite weird
Basically, there’s a massive conspiracy keeping all the best candy (and now clearly I see) chips from us. Is it because we’re ugly Americans, or just ugly?
Candy too! We need to start organizing.
If you knew what I had to do to get groceries, then you would not bring up how accessible it is for you. While I would love to try this flavor, I don’t sympathize with you. Just order it. I thought the review was creative by the way.
Ol’ Debbie Downer darkening the comments page. The chips sound amazing!
Try the cheddar and sour cream lay’s if you have not already. The are crack. They are oh-my-god-the-bag-is-EMPTY good. You owe it to yourself.
I know they sound pedestrian. They are not!
It’s SO unfair. I want Worcestershire-flavored, South African Sweet Chutney, Cream Cheese & Cracked Black Pepper, Caramelized Onion & Balsamic Vinegar, French Garlic Baguette, Chip Shop Curry, and Smoky Bacon already!!!
I hope those are real flavors. because if not, youre just being cruel.
I was in France about a year ago, and I had the French version of the chicken flavored chips (i believe they were called poulet roti). They haunt my dreams. It was the best chip i have ever had. Since that day, I’ve been trying to find out how to get them here in the states. Please, please, please tell me you’ve found a way. I would (well, maybe) sell off my firstborn for another taste of those chips.
Sadly I haven’t found them anywhere yet. There are a few polish markets around, but I haven’t tried them yet. See if there are any in your area.
I am reading your past blogs and am trying not to pass out due to a lack of oxygen from all of the laughing. Dude, seriously, people are passing my door to make sure I am ok. Hahahaha.
I am in total agreement with you on the poor showing of variety when it comes to flavors in snacks. I knew something was wrong when it took the ketchup flavored Lay’s to cross the border from Canada. Seriously, Frito-Lay. The US couldn’t get the ketchup flavor first. Shame!