The other day I decided to join (was dragged by) my better half for a day of shopping and errands. One of the stops was at a Michael’s Arts and Crafts store. I can’t think of many stores that I could be less interested in than Michael’s. Perhaps if there was a shop that only sold Sarah Jessica Parker movies. Thankfully there was a Big Lots one door down.
I love Big Lots. Sure it can be a little sad. Generally you don’t find yourself shopping at Big Lots when you are riding on a wave of success and financial prosperity. But I don’t fault those people. I grew up poor. You do what you gotta do.
What fascinates me about Big Lots is the plethora of items I’m convinced don’t exist anywhere outside of a Big Lots. I’ve never seen them in other stores. I’ve never seen then in anyone’s home. I think many of the products might just break down on a molecular level as soon as you exit the parking lot.
And I’m not talking about second tier brands here. I’m talking like seventeenth tier brands. Brands that earned they “food” classification through some sort of paperwork technicality.
Case in point. Krazy Kritters Sparkling 50% Juice Drink. Just look at them.
These drinks are white grape juiced based. They have 100% of your daily recommended intake of Vitamins A, C and E. They are carbonated, and are sweetened with stevia.
Clearly this line of beverages is being marketed to a specific demographic: parents with stupid, gross children. Children so ignorant and foul that they can’t even stomach fruit juice unless they are fooled into thinking it’s soda. Children so repugnant and oozing that they demand all of their nutritional intake come not just in can form, but in cans with cartoon characters playing sports that would require way too much energy for said child EVER to participate in.
The only thing that dumb kids’ products have going for them is that they are packloaded with sugar. Sugar tastes good. It is a wondrous substance that can many times make an unpalatable food almost passable. So essentially Krazy Kritters has taken all of the horrible from a children’s foodstuff and replaced the only good part with stevia.
As expected, these are all kinds of nasty. Foxy Fruit Punch comes the closest to tasting like an actual thing. It distantly approximates Hawaiian Punch. Distantly. Just subtract some of the flavor and add a chemical sheen and weird obnoxious aftertaste. Though I’d put my money on this karate fox (who is possibly doing karate at a disco) beating the crap out of Punchy.
Otter Orange provides a similar lackluster experience. Though with your RDI of Vitamins A, C, and E, it also provides double your daily intake of BLECH!
And Science help me, the Blue Raz Raccoon! Not even his skateboarding stoner friends could put this away. What’s better than plastic with a little dash of medicine?! I taste more like blue raspberry then the swill in this can.
And other than the fantastic cans, these “beverages” have absolutely no redeeming qualities. They cost me 60 cents apiece, which is easily 59 cents too much.
Parents, the next time your kid wheezes himself out of his bean bag indentation between rounds of Gears of War, for the good of all of us, just give him some Sunny D. Or possibly some purple stuff.
well…at least the cans are works of art.
I, too, was suckered by the packaging, plus the Stevia (since I’m knocked up, most sweeteners are off limits). We make a weekly trip to Big Lots just to see what kind of cast-off snacks and beverages we can find.
The dirty trick with Big Lots is, if you do manage to find a food product you like, you may never see it again. Yet, the cashiers still stare at you like they’ve never seen anyone buy 13 tins of cajun peanuts.
Cajun Peanuts! im intrigued, To Big Lots!
Foodjunk you are a funny funny man! This post had me lol’n the whole time.
Started following your blog a few months ago. I have no idea how I found it but LOVE it!
Thanks Amanda! You made my day.
Oh Big Lots. I have family who center their lives around Big Lots and Solomon’s.
I’ve actually had a lot of luck finding stuff I love that I thought I’d never see again.
Orville Redenbacher Pour Over Cheddar Popcorn was my crack. First, Publix stopped carrying it. Then it disappeared from Walmart. What should appear on my Big Lots shelf? Boxes upon boxes of the stuff.
I’m not ashamed to say there is a whole shelf in the pantry dedicated to the stuff.
Okay, a little ashamed, but still…
I also cannot stop laughing at the description of the demographic these things are aimed to. Because it’s true. Sad, but so true.
I don’t know Pour Over! Should I be looking for this?
If you like popcorn with a oily, greasy sheen of cheese flavored topping, then yes. I might also be convinced to send a few bags your way if you can’t find it.
hahahh Foxy Fruit Punch…. what a name
never saw these…but guess I’ll be keeping my distance for good, now
whom ever wrote this review is a fool ! Here we have a great tasting healthy product kids love and it’s sweetend with stevia !
My family loves it and I feel good about giving it to my kids.
I think critters on the can are funny as hell.
I just looked up the product to see where else I could buy um cause we bought all of um our Big Lots had !
The jerk that wrote the mean stuff about the crazzy critters likely gives there kids moutian dew or somthing gross like that .
This is the greatest thing that has happened today.
I bought a bunch of Krazy Kritter’s for my Granddaughter..She Loves It!! I went back & couldn’t find anymore on the shelf. I asked an big lots employee & she said to look online as the corporate office is not in this area & they may have ordered & had it shipped to Oregon Store. Stevia is good & so is grape juice alot better for you than alot of other things. Can’s may seem funny, it’s whats inside that counts.
They started carrying these at the liquor store down the street–two for a dollar. I thought they tasted pretty good and was surprised they weren’t worse for you. Plus the artwork is awesome. I think Otter Orange is my favorite, but I like Blue Raz Raccoon a lot, too. I gave some to my friends, and they all liked it, too.
Ok, I am play catch up (So,I got a little behind on the blog; so sue me). I am in my office about to hyperventilate because I am laughing so hard. But, dude, you should know any time you walk into a Big Lots food aisle, you have walked into the murky, shallow end of the scary food pool. (Play at your own risk!)
You know what, you should do that for the entire month of October-Scary food moments from Big Lots (sf: Vincent Price’s laughter from Thriller). It could be even more danger than your leap into ancient cereal land. Think about it.
That’s not a bad idea! Thanks for the suggestion. Big Lots is terrifying.