Yesterday, I (a man of 31) called up a local Claire’s in a nearby mall.  Generally, 31 year old men shouldn’t be calling stores which sell glitter and spangles that pre-teen girls use to bedazzle themselves.  The only possible exception might be if you were investigating a murder and a blood-soaked leopard print headband led you back to the shop to look at security camera footage.

But I wasn’t inquiring about a murder, I was inquiring about the opposite of murder: Girl Scout cookies.  More specifically Girl Scout cookie flavored lip balms.  The polite young lady on the phone informed me that the store did not carry the lip balms.  At which point I politely asked if she was sure and could she check again, because I had in fact known that her particular retail establishment was supposed to be carrying them already.

Who would have thought just two brief years ago I’d reach a point in my life when I would be very aware of the release date and location of cookie flavored lip moisteners?  After checking with a co-worktress, she said yes, they just had a box arrive.  I then asked her if she could hold one of the multipacks behind the counter for me.  Yep.

Girl Scout cookies are in my top three of mediocre yet satisfying foods that have rabid followings and weird release schedules.  Shamrock Shakes and the McRib are the two others.  People go nuts for Girl Scout cookies!  They buy them like crackheads when they are in season, and then freeze and hoard them to get through the lean months.  The post-apocalypse is not going to be kind to these people.

I don’t understand it.  Sure I enjoy a good Trefoil, and certainly I cannot argue the deliciousness of the Samoa, but come on, the cookies aren’t that great.  Are they?  It’s the withholding that makes them good.  If you could get them all year round, no one would care.  That’s my theory anyway.

But be that as it may, I think that the Girl Scouts partnering with Lip Smacker to produce cookie flavored lip balms is genius!  Kudos and a promotion to whatever sash-wearing lady in a pants suit came up with it.

I bought a Party Pack for $14.99 (So far they are only available at Walmart and the aforementioned Claire’s.)  It included two Trefoils, two Thin Mints, two Coconut Caramel Stripes (Samoas), one Peanut Butter (Do-si-dos), and one Chocolate Peanut Butter (Tagalongs).

This effort was a complete success, with one exception.  The flavor that most missed the mark was the Coconut Caramel Stripes.  The coconut is just weak.  I don’t know if I would have recognized it. The caramel is nowhere to be found.  And both are strongly overpowered by generic vanilla flavoring.  That was disappointing, as Samoas are my favorite.

The Peanut Butter, Chocolate Peanut Butter, and Trefoils are all great.  They are alarmingly accurate re-creations of the flavors of their cookie counterparts.  The chemists at Lip Smacker have easily earned their Flavor Approximation badges.

The Thin Mint variety was dead on.  And I mean an exact reproduction.  It is pretty astounding.  Maybe it was the easiest to perfect being a mint based flavor, but still, it is right on target.  This flavor is going to outsell the others by leaps and bounds.  People are freaks for Thin Mints.

Both organizations nailed this one.  If you know a Girl Scout cookie enthusiast, these will make a great stocking stuffer.  If that enthusiast is you, then pick up a pack.  You will enjoy them, and you’ll save on electricity when you power down your dedicated cookie freezer.

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