Hey Bacon, you got a minute? I just wanted to talk to you about something. Oh no, it’ll only take a few minutes. Like five.
Alright, so I— What’s that? Yeah yeah, it was nothing. I got some cream from the doctor. I know right? Macaroni salad, who knew?
So anyway, I know you’re a busy guy. You’ve got a lot goin’ on right now. I know! I keep seeing you everywhere. No it’s good. You’re really taking off. That’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.
I think you might be doing too much.
Yeah. Well, I mean, like, spreading yourself too thin. No no, I get it. Strike while the iron is hot and all that. Right. Right. It’s just that when I say I keep seeing you everywhere, I mean I keep seeing you everywhere.
I know that like burgers are your thing and salads and what not, but the other day I saw you in mayonnaise. No, ok. You’re right. That is your target demographic. But I also saw you on a sundae. I saw you in a lollipop, in soap. Dude, the other day I saw you on a bottle of lube. No, like lube, personal lubricant. The stuff people use when they—I know!
I just think it’s too much. I’m worried you’re losing control. I get that some of it is your people and that they don’t always get your approval first. Right, the lube.
Don’t get me wrong. You’re great. Like really great. But you’ve become this sort of icon. And the people who are out there trying to act like you, sometimes they’re just not doing it right. And when they do things that aren’t so great, I just think it reflects poorly on you.
Do we really need adhesive bandages that look like bacon? Or wallets? It’s unnecessary.
Look at this. I just bought this. J&D’s BaconPop. Yea, it’s bacon-flavored microwave popcorn. Well, yea, I guess it’s an alright idea. But we’ve got plenty of alright ideas. Maybe we start focusing just on great ideas. Popcorn is pretty perfect in itself. The salt. The butter. Come on. There is no denying that it’s a fantastic treat. So do we need bacon?
This stuff doesn’t really even taste all that much like bacon! The bacony flavor on the actual popcorn is way subtler than I would have expected from the Baconnaise people. Sure it’s there. You can taste it. But it’s not bringing that much to the party. I don’t know where the flavor went exactly. The kernels are all covered in black, grimy-looking seasoning stuff, and the nosegrope of the air in my apartment is about 10,000 times more bacony that the actual food.
Really the experience was that I put something in the microwave that made my home smell like bacon and then I ate some almost normal popcorn.
It’s not a bad product at all. It’s fine. Probably more of a novelty than anything. But the point, Bacon, is that I’m not sure it’s worth your while to be involved in things like this.
I’m just worried about you. I don’t want to see you end up like Cranberry. Cranberry. Yea, you remember him. He got in with some bad people back in the day. His representation wasn’t looking out for his best interest. He just went along with what they told him to do. He was too trusting.
At first it was like, yea hey, I’ll hang out with some grape juice. Then it was apple. Then it was raspberry. Then tangerine. Then eventually it was pomegranate! Pomegranate for God’s sake!
He couldn’t stop it. The momentum was too much.
You know what happened to Cranberry? Yea. He’s dead. He hung himself in his condo. They didn’t even know for weeks. They finally had to break his door down and when they found him—
Ahem. Sorry. Gimme a minute.
Whew, yea when they found him… he was almost unrecognizable. They said he looked like… a blueberry.
I know, you say how could something like that happen, but it does. It happened to Cranberry.
So you see what I’m saying? I just want you to be happy. You don’t have to do everything. You can say no to stuff. People aren’t going to stop liking you just because you said no to a fourth tier saltwater taffy company. Just think about it a little. Will you promise me you’ll think about it?
Alright Bacon, I gotta get going. Yea. It’s no problem. I hope I didn’t make things weird between us. If you ever wanna hang out or just talk or whatever, gimme a call.
Take it easy, bro. I’ll see you around.
Food Junk 
I need this in my life.
At first glance I read “pup” in the title rather than “pop” and thought you were going to be reviewing dog popcorn. (Yeah, this is a real thing that I have encountered but somehow never thought to try; what is wrong with me?)
I really liked that cran-tangerine juice. Hard to find, though.
I do believe the recent market-saturation of bacon sundaes will be the death of the noble slab of bacon.
It has to be, right? The tipping point is near.
I feel like popcorn is holding the bacon back here.
one of your funniest reviews yet. i won’t be trying this product anytime soon but i laughed reading the whole way through! 🙂
Thank you!
I’m with you on this. I was just bitching at my g/f the other day that the bacon obsession is getting a little out of hand. Go back to being on my burger or with my eggs and stop trying to be everything else. No chocolate, no ice cream, no cupcakes, and stop getting yourself listed as an appetizer.
Preach on brother!
Have not come across any bacon popcorn… but I did stumble upon some Magic Mallow popcorn last week. Did not know it existed but glad I tried it. It was tasty!
Did not know about that either. Seems right up my alley.