“In a hole in the ground there lived a blogger.”

Greeting snacklings! I have returned from my peregrination through that stark, Winterfellian realm of Blogs Long Neglected.  It was a meandering and treacherous ordeal in which I faced many a difficult challenge and battled many a hideous beast monster.

I forged through the Swamps of Work Despairing barely surviving a tangle with a herd of Apathies of Unusual Size.

I defied the ever-alluring Sirens of Sitcoms Past and was just able to keep my ship from being dashed upon the Shores of Netflix Instant.

And I faced off against that most terrible creature, the Fiery Balrog of Yet Another Year Over and Nothing to Show for it But One More Trudging Step in Our Inexorable March to the Nothingness of Bleak Eternity.

Though I am bruised and battered and have been inflicted with darkly magical wounds that may never fully heal, I have survived.  I am going to write a book about the ordeal. It will be about 200 pages long, and I am already optioning it for an 8-part film directed by Peter Jackson.

So here we go.  Diving back in with a snack sent to me many Cherry Moons ago by loyal UK reader Jim in his Big Box of British Treats.

Behold! Transform-a-Snacks! Whimsical corn-based puffed things that TRANSFORM (!) into awesome highly play-withable toys!

Ok, maybe not, but these puffs do fit together into shapes that might resemble something that could look like a vehicle if you were a child who had your corneas torn off by a Hot Wheels living room stunt jump gone awry.  I mean there is a middle part thing and then four round side part things. That’s a car in my book!  (Not very far off from my actual understanding of the world of automobiles.)

I tried three varieties.  All have roughly the same texture and density as your everyday puffy Cheetos.  The Cheese and Onion variety was the best.  Lots of salt and onion powder.  Hard to go wrong.  Saucy BBQ (I love that it’s Saucy BBQ and not just BBQ) was pretty good, too.  Paprika-y.  Pretty standard for this rung on the BBQ ladder.  And the Beef variety tasted vaguely brown and meatish.  Like it was dusted with a packet of that weird instant au jus stuff that for some reason has been living in my pantry for like five years.  (Seriously, how did that get in my pantry?!  I think it watches me when I sleep.)

Obviously these snacks aren’t aiming high and they know it.  They’re inexpensive, salty caloriesto stow in your gut as you wander through the cold streets of London shopping for the season’s new bowler hats.  The packaging is fun, and I find the little comic on the back charming.  You could do worse for 30p ($8?).

But more importantly, how are these not a thing in the U.S.?  I can’t imagine ‘Merican children not loving a transforming food toy hybrid.  Just picture the little jerkwads throwing open their lunchboxes, assembling their little cars, battling them, and then hand-shoveling the smashed remnants off the side of the lunch table into their perpetually gaping mumble holes.

I need to rip this idea off and market my own line of transforming snacks.  Maybe I’ll wait for a Gobots reboot so I could get a little marketing synergy going.  I could even get nobody’s favorite actor Shia LeBeouf to be our spokesdouche!  He’s not a person of value anymore.  Kickstarter here I come!

Happy New Year everyone!

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January 2, 2013

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