Way back in the olden days of 2011, I wrote a post about Doritos Flamas, a particularly foul little chili-lime offering from Frito-Lay.  Since then it has grown to be one of the most popular pages on my blog, nearly eclipsing my Batman Cereal review that blew up on Boing Boing and got traffic nearing what a legitimate fancy pants blog would get.  Three out of the top ten search terms that lead people to Food Junk involve some variation on “Doritos Flamas.” It is also easily the most commented on post I have.  People love these things and feel the desperate need to tell me why I am wrong about them.  Which is fine.  I welcome well thought out, reasonable differences of opinion.

However, this is the internet.  I have lost count of how many poorly spelled, violently angry, grammatically atrocious, didn’t-even-know-punctuation-was-a-thing comments I have deleted since the post went up. And I always delete them because life is too short for that hatefoolery.

So I would like to take a few minutes to hold palaver with you cretinous sub-humanoid commenters who don’t really understand how, well, everything works.

First of all, this is a blog about junk food.  I write about potato chips and soda.  And that’s not when I’m eating possibly toxic decades old cereal or referencing Slimer.  So calm down.

Second of all, this is my blog and I get to say whatever I want.  They’re all my opinions.  And you know what they say about opinions, don’t you?  You’re an asshole, and I don’t care about yours.  Should you be able to wrest your attention away from whatever it is Charlie Sheen is doing this week, feel free to set up your own blog and attempt to string together a few monosyllabic proto-words in the approximate order in which English sentences are most often found.

Third through fifth of all:

“You’re” is a contraction meaning “you are.”  “Your” is a possessive pronoun.  It shows you own something.

“Loser” is a person who loses.  “Looser” is a comparative adjective that means “not tight fitting.”

And “definitely” is an adverb that means “without any question.”  “Defiantly,” while still an adverb (at least you got close there), means “in a rebellious manner.”

At some point in your high school careers you probably were taught those things by those people in that big building that made you read.  But don’t sweat it.  You were probably distracted.  The new Scary Movie sequel came out that week, and you’d also just had the realization that after you graduated you’d never have to look at another book again.

And lastly, feel free to learn how to divorce yourself from your opinions.  I know your entire identity is wrapped up in the things you are consuming (nice Monster tattoo, by the way), but just because I don’t like the thing you like, that doesn’t mean I am personally attacking your value as a human being.  It just means that I don’t like the thing that you like.  And that’s ok.

As a Star Wars fan, and more recently as a Lost fan, I encounter this all the time, especially with my wife, whom I love dearly.  She hated Lost.  HATED Lost.  If she was cast as the Hulk in The Avengers instead of Mark Ruffalo, her big dramatic moment would have been when she turned back to the group and said, “That’s my secret, Captain.  I’m always angry at Lost.”  And then smashed all the things.

To the commenter who said, “The problem with blogs is that everyone has a different opinion,” no, that is not the problem.  That is the best thing about blogs.  You are the problem.  You will live an entire lifetime, and never really get it.  And by “it” I mean everything that exists in the world that is interesting.  And that’s not my opinion.

Well, now that I’ve fixed internet culture, I’d like to go back to what brought us here in the first place.  Doritos Flamas.

In that post’s comment thread, many lucid and delightful commenters steered me toward Takis, a corn snack I was wholly unfamiliar with.  I kept them on the radar but didn’t really run into any until my hetero lifemate Erik presented me with a few bags when I visited him in Texas.

I tried three varieties: Crunchy Fajita, Guacamole, and Fuego, which is the hot chili pepper and lime variety that drew the Flamas comparison.

I started with the Crunchy Fajitas.  First off, can fajitas be crunchy?  Aren’t fajitas usually wrapped in soft tortillas?  The package says “taco flavored.”  Shouldn’t they just be Crunchy Taco?  Are fajitas and tacos the same thing, and am I completely misunderstanding Mexican cuisine?  Quite possibly.

The nosegrope of the Crunchy Fajita called to mind taco day in elementary school.  Notes of those stiff generic corn taco shells “filled” with that equally generic taco seasoned “meat.”

From first crunch to the last, these taste like taco seasoning.  Which is not bad.  Their saving grace is that the seasoning is not overwhelming.  They are actually pretty good.

Second up was Guacamole.  The nosegrope was surprisingly citrusy.  Hints of lime I suppose.

Upon first crunch, I noticed a similar hint of lime and then a lot of bright guacamole-approximating flavor.  Not change-your-life guacamole flavor by any means, but I think you could tell they were going for avocados.  Again, pretty good.

Finally, the Fuego.  Kind of surprised by the lack of exclamation points.  Especially that upside down one that precedes words.  Seems like someone dropped the pelota. (Snort.)

The nosegrope of the Fuego was chili powder and not much else.

These present an interesting mouth experience.  At first there is a sweep of lime.  Then the heat and flavor of the chilies  then a re-sweep of the lime.  The heat is not over the top, but it definitely lingers a while.  These are infinitely better than Doritos Flamas.  They don’t taste like poorly spiced Froot Loops.  Instead, the flavors used here work well as a whole and complement each other nicely.  Well recommended commenters.  I doff my novelty-sized sombrero to all of you.

Takis are good.  I’d eat them again, though I’m still not in love with the whole rolled tube thing.  I think it’s the density.  I like my chips thin and triangular like the good Sancho Panza intended.

But what do I know?  That’s just my opinion.

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