Like Spock and his pon farr I too hold to a seven year biological imperative: the ingesting of a Slim Jim. I don’t say “eating” a Slim Jim as that would suggest some type of enjoyment or nutrition. I don’t partake in these often because I believe for every Slim Jim you consume, the universe takes one month off of your life and gives it to Jeff Foxworthy.
I do appreciate the engineering involved in the manufacturing of Slim Jims. To take sawdust, oil, and brown, and somehow turn them into a meat approximation stick is nothing short of a molecular miracle.
However, why any human would then introduce this into their digestion system is beyond me. Why, when standing in a convenience store filled with delicious sugars and salts, would you suddenly grab one of these vacuum sealed abominations out of the card stock foldy bin on the counter? They are not very filling and worst of all, they leave that weird loss of hope aftertaste in your mouth for hours.
I found this bit of foul at the dollar store (shocking) for less than a dollar (not so shocking). They didn’t have the Single Slim Jim so I had to buy the Slim Jim Beef ‘n Cheese: Mild, which is just the original fella who comes packaged with his Appalachian cousin, the cheese stick. Although not mentioned in the product name, a little reading through the ingredients list does reveal that it is indeed cheddar cheese. And I think “cheese” is a bit of a stretch at that. Perhaps it should be called Slim Jim Beef ‘n Orange Floppy Crayon That Makes You Want to Re-Evaluate Your Life and the Horrible Decisions You’ve Made: Mild.
The cheese stick doesn’t even taste like matter. It’s gelatinous and wet and soft and might possibly be the Overlord that we will one day bow down to when the giant ones arrive from space and begin enveloping entire cities.
I put a wick into the end of the cheese stick and lit it. It burned down like a candle and released the aroma of lift kits and Tasmanian devil tattoos.
But I digress. And hate.
Possibly the worst food product ever. See you in seven years you bastard.
While I admit that I do indulge in a Slim Jim every once in a while, I thought your post was well-written and very funny. I’ve never tried the cheese, but your Storm Trooper has convinced me that’s a good thing.
I also really love your photography and the addition of diagrams. And, of course, the Storm Trooper. Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much!
Your first mistake was buying any edible product from the dollar store. Anything sold at the dollar store has either expired 2 months prior or is made from toxic products from china. But, i must agree that Slim Jims are the worst thing I have ever tasted. Keep up the funny posts, I much enjoy reading them.
Love your blog. Good luck with the passing of the Slim Jim and its cheesy companion.
Haha I think it took some of my life force with it. I feel empty inside. And thanks, I’m a subscriber to your blog! it’s great!
Who the hell eats Slim Jims anyways? Your gut is the black hole for funk foods. Where’s your review about those meatballs?