2010 is the year of DEWmocracy.
For the uninitiated, DEWmocracy is the process by which Mountain Dew releases brand new flavors and lets stoned skateboarders with oversized hats vote on which one tastes the least like medicine. 2007 gave us the candidates Supernova, Revolution, and Voltage. The voice of the people cried out and Mountain Dew Voltage was the winner, earning itself a spot in Mountain Dew’s current lineup of products.
2009 gave us Typhoon, Distortion and White Out. Again the voters turned out in droves, sometimes waiting for days at the local polling places, just to have their voice heard. They wanted, nay demanded, change. And they got it. Mountain Dew White Out is the Dew that will lead us bravely into the next decade.
Which is unfortunate because it sucks.
What’s wrong with it?
It’s marketed as “smooth citrus.” Problem 1: Mountain Dew is already citrus. White Out does taste citrusy, but at its most generic level, like one of any number of cheap citrus-flavored sodas.
Problem 2: “smooth” was lost in translation and ended up closer to “weak.” It does seem to drink smoother. I thought I felt less of the carbonation burn of classic Dew. But that wasn’t a plus because I really like the burn.
It’s milky color does not add to the appeal. The murky white bubbles brought to mind the fetid jacuzzi water you could find at the local retirement home.
And the aftertaste. Good god the aftertaste. Filmy, sticky, chemical weirdness. I can’t pinpoint what it tastes like exactly, but it isn’t good. And it stays around for quite a while.
What’s good about it? Sadly only one thing.
The election of a “smooth” flavor into the Mountain Dew product line, I believe, is nothing short of a paradigm shift. I am officially declaring the Extreme movement to be over! And I am officially declaring this, the age of Smooth!
Imagine the years to come:
Instead of Dew commercials being all zoomy and screamy, how about a little soft acoustic guitar and a gentle voiced narrator. Anybody remember Bob Ross? “Let’s put a happy little vert ramp in there.”
All those intense screamo bands will start releasing more mellow singles like “Hey Man It’s Cool” and “Please, Take My Chair.”
Doritos packages will only come in muted earth tones and feature flavors like Whispering Artisinal Parmesan and Market Fresh Greens.
The X Games will introduce events like Quiet Contemplation and Meadowing.
What a world! I cannot wait. I just wish the means to this wonderful end didn’t taste so horrible.