Ok class, today’s topic is Coconut M&Ms.  I’m going to give everyone a piece of quarter-inch graph paper, a mechanical pencil, and a protractor.  I want you to draw a diagram of what you think a Coconut M&M looks like. You may begin now.

(scribbling sounds)

Ok class, please put your pencils down.  How did you do?  Did you draw a thin candy shell surrounding a milk chocolate layer, surrounding a soft, white coconut center (like from a Mound’s Bar)?

Well if you did, YOU’RE WRONG!  GET OUT!  I’ll see you next term, you failures.

Coconut M&Ms are bewildering to me.  I would have drawn the diagram above.  To me, it would seem to be, by far, the most logical option.

But it’s not.  There is no coconut core.  There are no coconut pieces.  Real live coconut is not even on the ingredients list!  I know.

What you should have drawn is a slightly larger M&M with coconut-flavored milk chocolate.

What?!  Who the-?!  Why?!

I love coconut, but I cannot abide a product that doesn’t give me little coconut bits.  They are the only reason to eat a coconut anything.  I have to have them!  I’ll chew a rogue piece of coconut for hours before finally swallowing it.  I’ll even tuck a piece near a back tooth for safekeeping if I have to talk to someone, so as not to lose it.  I’m not ashamed!  I know someone out there does this too!

Lack of bits aside, not all is lost.  These are not bad.  The coconut flavor is there, and it does taste ok.  But it gets completely overpowered by the extra milk chocolate.  Remember these are a little bigger than your average M&M.  The presentation is there.  The candy shells come in white, green, and brown, and they are stamped with white palm trees, tropical flowers, suns, or beach umbrellas.  Very cutesy.

I’m sure there are a ton of people out there who like these.  But eating coconut-flavored anything, minus the coconut shreds, just bothers me.

I couldn’t get over the fact that they smell and taste like some over-bronzed, tropical-oiled beach bum three towels over, just offered me a handful of the M&Ms he fished out of his beach bag.  Toss in a few gritty grains of sand and you could close your eyes and imagine yourself on a tropical beach somewhere.  You’ve got yourself a mini vacation right there at the office.  But I already live near a beach, so I think I’m going to have to pass on these.