Well since my first Wizarding World of Harry Potter review featured a beverage, I thought it would be fair if my second, and final one, featured a food…if this could be called that. Which I don’t think it can.
Pink Coconut Ice was only mentioned briefly in the third Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, as “shimmering pink squares.” Or so says its entry on the Harry Potter wiki (7300 articles strong, nerdrespect). Apparently the food wizards employed at Universal’s Islands of Adventure took “shimmering pink squares” to mean startlingly pink sugarfatcubes. The first six ingredients listed are sugar, palm kernel oil, half and half cream, corn syrup, butter, and coconut. Delectable! You had me at palm kernel oil.
Pink Coconut Ice is subtitled “White and Pink Coconut Fudge with Coconut Flakes.” Now while this is technically fudge, I certainly don’t think it is spiritually fudge. Pink Coconut Ice is to fudge as particle board is to wood. The definition is definitely being stretched a bit thin.
This stuff is just terrible. Cheap tasting, greasy, waxy, misshapen cubes of sugar and fat. The only coconut flavor comes from the flakes on top, and they easily overpowered by the cheap glop they rest upon. I couldn’t even choke down half a cube.
I’d like to think there was some well-meaning muggle in the Universal organization that spoke up and said these things are foul, but that he was overridden by some death-eating, money-grubbing corporate jerk. This product is tourist exploitation at its absolute most heinous.
How hard would it have been to have someone whip up a batch of actual white chocolate and coconut fudge? That’s a thing right? It has to be. Really Universal? Not one drop of white chocolate? My $78 ticket doesn’t buy me an ounce of cocoa butter? Really? Was cost the issue?
BECAUSE AT $10 FOR EIGHT CUBES I’M PRETTY SURE YOU COULD AFFORD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111
The one and only redeeming quality of Pink Coconut Ice is that it is quite aesthetically beautiful. They are pretty to look at. They work better as a novelty to be put on someone’s shelf. But if that’s what they intended, why not produce some sparkly plastic cubes, put them it a decorative glass jar, and skip the foodness altogether?
Harry Potter you should be ashamed of yourself. What would your dead parents say? When did your patronus turn from a mighty stag into a cash register?