Ok Japan, listen.  We need to talk.  I don’t know how to break this to you.  Look, it’s not that we don’t like you.  We do.  But.  You’re really starting to freak us out.  You’re like the kid at the playground who has to wear the helmet (Haha, look at him).  We kind of admire you, but the more we hang out around the monkey bars, the more uncomfortable we become.  You can’t wear the helmet and be jerky.  We want to be the better person and not leave the park, but you’re really making it difficult.

Japan, we had a good thing going.  You were really the inspiration behind this blog.  One night way back in August, I found Jen Ken’s Kit Kat blog.  It led me to your snacking weirdness and then to snacking weirdness in general.

This bag of Smoked Fresh Ham and Mascarpone Cheese Pizza Doritos was one of the first things I bought to review.  Your Shrimp Mayonnaise Pizza Doritos were kind of a let down.  And I’m not going to lie; I am baffled by these chips too.

I get that Doritos and Pizza-La teaming up is a good marketing idea.  Companies in the U.S. do it all the time.  But I’m going to have to call shenanigans on these Doritos.

They taste like neither smoked fresh ham nor like mascarpone cheese.  They taste like dense, slightly sweet corn chips.  Where is the flavor?  These don’t taste like anything!  I even sucked on a handful trying to extract some semblance of a flavor, but I got nothing!  At least the Shrimp Mayonnaise Pizza Doritos tasted like something.  I’m not sure what exactly, but they did taste like something that wasn’t a corn chip.

I don’t get it.  Why go through all of the trouble of coming up with such an unusual flavor (which has so much potential) and creating such a great looking bag, if you’re not going to properly season your chips?  I don’t know if you know, Japan, but in the U.S. we put ridiculously large amounts of flavoring powder on our Doritos.  Like way over the top.  What gives?  Is it your pride?  We’d be more than happy to share some powder with you.  You know what; you don’t even have to ask.  We’ll just send it over.

I’ve figured out your scheme, Japan.  I know that the pizza angle is nonsense.  There’s no pizza flavor whatsoever.  Fine.  But your Doritos bags claim your trying to capture the grandeur of pizza toppings.  And Japan, you are not.  You are phoning it in and relying on novelty and cheap marketing gimmicks.  I am offended.

Put down the Nintendo controllers.  Turn off the crazy, impossible to follow TV shows.  And for crying out loud, enough with the Hello Kitty.  We get it.  No more.

Tighten your helmet straps, get your butts in the corporate kitchen, and start making quality Doritos so we can start taking you seriously again.

And don’t think I didn’t notice you peed in the sandbox.  Because I did.