On an unusually grey Florida day, I found myself standing in a Cracker Barrel. While wandering around the gift shop, dodging besuited children and bewalkered old people fresh from their Sunday morning churchification, and generally just taking in all of the weird, faux old timeyness, I remembered that my snack cache was a little on the depleted side. I needed to find something to take home.
Nestled among the tractor sweatshirts, Garfield paraphernalia, and Season 1 Diff’rent Strokes DVDs, I found a basket filled with these neon goodies: Anastasia Confections’ Key Lime Coconut Patties.
I love coconut! I love Key Lime pie! I love patties! I found a winner. I picked up a package and checked the ingredients. Sugar and corn syrup were the first two listed. I knew I was in for a treat.
The first thing I did when I got home was dig my welding goggles out of the closet. You never want to look at something that green without some kind of retinal protection. On a side note, when people talk about Hell, the decor is always a lot of reds and oranges, what with the fire and all. But Hell will clearly be wall-to-wall neon lime green. It might be the worst of the colors.
The patties were held separate from one another in a plastic case. I believe this was to prevent them from breeding. What scares me even more than unmitigated patty reproduction is that these look like they could scurry across the carpet and kill you. They should be starring in a David Cronenberg film, not hanging about a Cracker Barrel gift shop. Although to be fair, both have haunted my nightmares for years.
I was surprised to find that the patties were not encased in chocolate, or should I say “chocolate.” I thought the picture on the package was a cross-section. Anastasia Confections opted for the open face patty. A bold choice, but understandable. Clearly they prioritized greenness as a selling point.
These candies/creatures are not good. They are coconut flakes covered in sugar that is green, surrounded by sugar that is brown. And they taste like coconut flakes covered in sugar that is green, surrounded by sugar that is brown.
There are too many coconut flakes packed into the patty. A lot of coconut would be fine (it is a coconut patty after all) if it was balanced with another tasty ingredient. But it’s just more sugar. The “chocolate” contributes little or nothing. And the
artificial key lime flavoring is, of course, garish, and soon surrenders to the abundance of coconut. You’re left with a mushy mouthful of green paste.
This is an unnecessary product, and is cheap candy making at its best, or I guess, worst. Skip them, and go for the Smokey Robinson Greatest Hits CD instead.
If you’re curious or enjoy self-abuse, try a patty. But for God’s sake don’t get it wet or feed it after midnight! You have been warned.
UPDATE: April 27, 2011
I have a correction. Faithful Food Junk reader Bill has informed me of an oversight. I said that the key lime flavor of these coconut patties came from artificial sources. This is not true. The ingredients list includes “Key Lime Oil and Juice.” Thanks Bill!