Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the What Is The Point Of This? Backstage Tour. I am Ricardo, I will be your guide today through the magical world of pointlessness, unnecessity, and nonsense.
For our guests’ safety we ask that you seat small children toward the inside of the tram. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle, remain seated at all times, and please, no flash photography.
As we round the first corner of our tour, I’m going to direct your attention to the left side of the tram where you will see Atari’s E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial video game, Two and a Half Men, and anything Sarah Jessica Parker has ever been involved in.
As we make our way into Pointless Soundstage Number One, keep your eyes open, you never know what celebrities we may run into. Who is that to our right? Please give a great big tram tour wave to our friend Tyler Perry on the set of his upcoming film Tyler Perry’s Pandering to the Lowest Common Denominator. Don’t worry Mr. Perry, we’ll let you get back to work.
Up ahead is the Forest of Failure. This is the most dangerous part of our tour as we will be traveling into the heart of deepest, darkest worthlessness. Folks, let’s stay as quiet as we can. Up ahead and to your right, I see Carlos Mencia and Larry the Cable Guy fighting over the carcass of a non-reader. If we duck down low in our seats, we just might be able to sneak by unnoticed.
Whew! That was close. I think I see daylight up ahead, but we’re not in the clear just yet. To the left of the tram engulfed in smoke in flames, you’ll see seasons two and three of Heroes. Let’s see if I can get John our tram driver to hit the gas. Those flames are getting a little too close for comfort.
And finally, the last stop of our tour, Ricolino’s Bubu Lubu, a Mexican candy treat that only can be called a food product if the definition of food is stretched to its absolute limits. One online Mexican grocer ironically proclaims of this strawberry flavored jelly and marshmallow with chocolate flavored coating, “This is the real thing.”
Notice the desiccated chalky brown exterior cracking as it covers the most chemically strawberry tasting thing this tour guide has ever eaten. I shared one with John during our last tour and he nearly vomited up his human dignity. At 35 cents per Bubu, I’d say guests are being charged 34 cents too much. You can certainly find better tasting chemicals in bottles under your sink. Folks, I don’t know why this product exists, but you can say you saw it here on the What Is The Point Of This? Backstage Tour.
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of myself, John, and all of us here at the park, I hope you enjoy your stay at the Asinine Kingdom. And don’t forget to stop by our gift shop and pick up your copy of the Brett Ratner Collection on DVD and Blu Ray.