So my better half was feeling guilty that we eat like we’re chubby 9 year olds, so we made our quarterly trip to Whole Foods. To prepare for the ordeal, I abstained from eating anything that was capable of forming relationships. I didn’t want to take a chance that my aura would glow any color but green at the aura scanner before the entrance. They will turn you away you know.
So it was veggies all week! Before steaming my broc, peas, and carrots in the tears of native American shamans, I spread them all out on the counter in a half circle and read Oh the Places You’ll Go to them. I only seasoned them with a little bit of salt that was lovingly scraped from the side of the cliff where Daniel LaRusso planted that bonsai tree.
I meditated every day in a darkened room, illuminated only by candles made from Madonna’s earwax. Come Saturday, I felt I was ready and worthy. I rented a horse, bathed her in with water I had flown in from the Arctic, put on my best hemp clothes, and softly trotted over. I had no problem with the aura scanning. Penelope, the dream seamstress, even commented that my aura was a particularly nice shade of sea foam. I flashed my Belle and Sebastian CD at the door, they scanned the tag of my Che Guevara shirt, and I was in!
Next I had to brave the gauntlet of dreadlocked free sample offerers. I had to correctly choose which items were not actually food. I correctly identified dandelion and was granted free passage. Then all I had to do was play a song on an organ made of bones and I was free to go about my shopping.
I picked up a few chicken kabobs, which were great, some coffee, which was not, and a bag of Kettle Brand Honey Dijon Potato Chips. I paid Moonbeam with my seashells and was on my way.
I’ve never had honey Dijon chips before. I was intrigued and was hoping I wasn’t going to be eating some nebulously garlicky yellow powdered mess. Luckily, they were not that. They are little works of flavor art. The duality of the honey Dijon’s sweetness and tangy mustardness was quite authentic and very enjoyable. The flavor could be easily identified during a closed-eyes test. The chips themselves were fresh and very crunchy. In fact, so much so, that they came dangerously close to approaching my crunch threshold. But gladly the event horizon was not passed. They are really, really good.
If you haven’t had this variety and feel you are strong and wily enough to survive the Whole Foods trials, then go pick some up. You will be glad you did. Also, don’t forget your bag of sand and, above all, heed these words of advice, “Only the penitent man shall pass.”