Last week was Teacher Appreciation Week.  My better half and I are both teachers.  While I got nothing last week but a pay freeze and the promise of more outdoor recess duty, my fiancé was showered with wonderful gifts including flowers, fruit, candy, gift cards and this bottle of ChocoVine chocolate-flavored red wine. 

Now, I am not much of a drinker.  You would think I would be after working with children all day, one of which recently wrote a report that stated the death penalty was legal in 48 states and illegal in the other seven, but alas I am not.  I enjoy the occasional Blue Moon Belgian-Style Wheat Ale with a slice of orange while at Chili’s (I’m dripping with masculinity) but that’s about it.  However, I was more than intrigued by the prospect of a chocolate wine.

ChocoVine (horrible product name) is made in Holland by Team Products which is owned by DeKuyper and then imported by Clever Imports in Fort Lauderdale.  And the bottle says Europa on it.  I think the whole thing is a money laundering operation.

The website for ChocoVine is absurd and awesome.  It describes the combination of chocolate and wine as having “near-orgasmic” effects.  Now I’ll be the first one to admit that a bottle of Sutter Home and a Hershey Bar are the perfect pairing for a quiet night of watching Beaches and crying, but I don’t think I ever came close to the aforedescribed experience.  Perhaps ChocoVine will get me there.

They also mention the “years of research” that went into making ChocoVine.  At first I pictured a lab with a setup similar to Seth Brundle’s in The Fly.  Wine in one pod and an accidental chocolaty thumb smudge on the door before it was sealed.  Though upon a cursory glance at the ingredients list, apparently their research never lead them to actually using real chocolate, only artificial flavors, despite the site’s rhetoric about chocolate this and chocolate that. They even throw down with the antioxidant health stuff.  Shady.

And I can’t forget about the clip of ChocoVine being plugged on a Lifetime look-at-this-crazy-product-am-I-right-ladies-type show that looks like it should be playing on a TV screen in a doctor’s waiting room.

The stuff smells like Bailey’s or Kahlua or some such creamy liqueur.   It’s smooth and thick.  It doesn’t exactly ooze into the glass but it certainly isn’t splashy.  Really, it tastes like a spiked Yoo-hoo.  There’s no hint of grapes or wine other than the alcohol bite, which is there, but minimal.  You won’t be swirling and sniffing this looking for subtleties and nuance. 

If one was averse to the taste of spirits, this bottle would be an express Train to Drunktown (there may be connecting service to Vomitville, as you just consumed 25 ounces of a thick chocolatish grape-based beverage).

ChocoVine seems a little low rent and is obviously a novelty.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It tastes good enough.  I’m sure a lot of creative drinks could be mixed up with this stuff without breaking the bank.  I’d sip some on occasion.  Whether I could finish a whole glass, I don’t know.  If you see a bottle, get it for your next get together, if only for the conversation it will start.

Oh yea,  and it’s a Cabernet, if that means anything to you.

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