An Open Letter to All Global Potato Chip Conglomerates
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to you today as a concerned citizen snacker of the United States of America. It is my belief that we are living in a golden age of snacking. Never has there been a time when more snack options have been made available to more people.
However, today I address you Big Potato Chip. I feel that you are failing me as an American. While I am certainly no flag-waving patriot, I do feel that America excels at one thing: consumption. Consumption on a gluttonously epic level not seen since Roman vomitoriums. You give us a decent product, and we will consume the holy hell out of it. We will down sodas by the gallon and chicken by the bucket.
And I feel you are taking advantage of us.
Knowing our enthusiasm for salts, I believe you have given up trying to woo us and are now resting comfortably on your laurels. Since I was a child I have been eating the same handful of chip varieties week in and week out: Barbeque, Sour Cream and Onion, Salt and Vinegar. And while I do enjoy all of them, I want, nay, I need more. I need to walk down the chip aisle in the grocery store with bated breath, excited to explore a new flavor that I haven’t yet sampled (like I used to do when I was a kid and got to pick my own Kool-Aid packet).
Above all I am a realist. I know that not every flavor experiment is destined for greatness. Many will fail. That is science and is forgivable, noble even. But I also know that many will be great. And I know this because many of these great varieties already exist in other more enlightened parts of the world!
Take for example this bag of Lay’s Chicken with Spices Potato Chips (smuggled into the states from Poland by my sister, duct taped around her ribcage, under the cover of darkness). These chips are fantastic! Seriously authentic chicken flavor dusted with a delightful (delightful!) blend of mustard, garlic, onion, and pepper. These chips are simple and unique and delicious and I want more of them! But I will not get more because they are being withheld from me, by you, Big Potato Chip, and I demand to know why!
Now certainly with some Polish flavors like Autumn Mushrooms in Cream or Autumn Stew Strogonov (Real flavors! How awesome is that?), you could claim regional tastes as a reason for their absence from American markets. But Chicken with Spices? That seems pretty universal to me. Surely it cannot be difficult to house a tank of seasoning and a file containing a bag design in one of your factories.
Yes, I could order these online, but I shouldn’t have to. I live across the street from a 7-Eleven, blocks away from a grocery store, and two miles away from a Super Walmart and a Home Depot. I could fill my bathtub with Activa, buy a crossbow, and hire a construction slave while drinking a Slurpee that contains more liquid than some African nations, but I will never be able to buy Lay’s Chicken with Spices Potato Chips. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You owe it to us, your ardent supporters, to do better. Do not judge us by the midnight Walmart dirt people and their nocturnal Slim Jimming. We have discriminating palates and we want those palates to be stimulated!
We can only be subjugated by your tyranny for so long. You will rue the day when we finally rise as one, put on pants, brush the crumbs from our chest hair, and wheezily storm your headquarters with torches and pitchforks on a day that will forever be known as Le Jour de Saveurs et de Regret. I thank you for your time.
Yours in sincere snacking,
The Food Junk Staff
***Disclaimer: I do not endorse Jamie Lee Curtis, string-based weaponry, or indentured servitude.