The other day I decided to join (was dragged by) my better half for a day of shopping and errands.  One of the stops was at a Michael’s Arts and Crafts store.  I can’t think of many stores that I could be less interested in than Michael’s.  Perhaps if there was a shop that only sold Sarah Jessica Parker movies.  Thankfully there was a Big Lots one door down.

I love Big Lots.  Sure it can be a little sad.  Generally you don’t find yourself shopping at Big Lots when you are riding on a wave of success and financial prosperity.  But I don’t fault those people.  I grew up poor.  You do what you gotta do.

What fascinates me about Big Lots is the plethora of items I’m convinced don’t exist anywhere outside of a Big Lots.  I’ve never seen them in other stores.  I’ve never seen then in anyone’s home.  I think many of the products might just break down on a molecular level as soon as you exit the parking lot.

And I’m not talking about second tier brands here.  I’m talking like seventeenth tier brands.  Brands that earned they “food” classification through some sort of paperwork technicality.

Case in point.  Krazy Kritters Sparkling 50% Juice Drink.   Just look at them.

These drinks are white grape juiced based.  They have 100% of your daily recommended intake of Vitamins A, C and E.  They are carbonated, and are sweetened with stevia.

Clearly this line of beverages is being marketed to a specific demographic: parents with stupid, gross children.  Children so ignorant and foul that they can’t even stomach fruit juice unless they are fooled into thinking it’s soda.  Children so repugnant and oozing that they demand all of their nutritional intake come not just in can form, but in cans with cartoon characters playing sports that would require way too much energy for said child EVER to participate in.

The only thing that dumb kids’ products have going for them is that they are packloaded with sugar.  Sugar tastes good.  It is a wondrous substance that can many times make an unpalatable food almost passable.  So essentially Krazy Kritters has taken all of the horrible from a children’s foodstuff and replaced the only good part with stevia.

As expected, these are all kinds of nasty.  Foxy Fruit Punch comes the closest to tasting like an actual thing.  It distantly approximates Hawaiian Punch.  Distantly.  Just subtract some of the flavor and add a chemical sheen and weird obnoxious aftertaste.  Though I’d put my money on this karate fox (who is possibly doing karate at a disco) beating the crap out of Punchy.

Otter Orange provides a similar lackluster experience.  Though with your RDI of Vitamins A, C, and E, it also provides double your daily intake of BLECH!

And Science help me, the Blue Raz Raccoon!  Not even his skateboarding stoner friends could put this away.  What’s better than plastic with a little dash of medicine?!  I taste more like blue raspberry then the swill in this can.

And other than the fantastic cans, these “beverages” have absolutely no redeeming qualities.  They cost me 60 cents apiece, which is easily 59 cents too much.

Parents, the next time your kid wheezes himself out of his bean bag indentation between rounds of Gears of War, for the good of all of us, just give him some Sunny D.  Or possibly some purple stuff.