After what has seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only three weeks, I have finally returned to the internet to quip cleverly about snacks. I hope everyone has been well. I have missed you all.
My wedding festivities were a great success and a good time was had by all, even those “relatives” and “friends” who thought it acceptable to partake of a lovely catered dinner with unlimited access to free alcohol at a very nice waterfront restaurant but who could not be bothered to swing by Dollar General and scrawl their name across a congratulations card. Chances are I never liked those people in the first place and probably only invited them because of nearly incomprehensible family politics.
Seriously you freeloading scumbags, we are living in a society.
We briefly honeymooned in Orlando, as neither my beautiful bride nor I could get a substantial amount of time off work because of the perceived grandiose “importance” of teaching 13 year olds what a participle is.
Though short, our time away was absolutely delightful. Part of the rest and relaxation included a stroll through Downtown Disney’s awe-inspiring monuments to capitalism. While there, I resolved to return to you, my cherished reader, with the best that the mouse had to offer.
Or I returned with the cheapest most ridiculous snack product I could find: this Gummy Candy Kabob. Pretty great right? See this is not the gift you return home with to present to a cherished loved one to let them know you dearly missed their companionship during your travels. That would be the gorgeous Maleficent statue whose colors were perfectly matched to the original animation cels. This is the gift you see by the register during the last hour of the last day of your vacation and decide to purchase because you suddenly remember you didn’t buy anything for your step-mom’s sister Gina.
The gang’s all here: Nemo, Dory, Mike Wazowski, Buzz, and Woody. And honestly, for a three dollar snack, I think they all look pretty good. Except for Woody, who looks like he’s been gargling motor oil at the request of a potentially murderous maniac located slightly to his right. And for the record, flesh colored candy is usually never a good idea. But in my wedded bliss, I’ll allow it.
Surprisingly enough, I liked this candy kabob! It’s not great, but it could have easily been much much worse. Each piece shares the same flavor, which is that gummy candy flavor that’s sort of a mish mash of watermelon and apple with a touch of blue raspberry. You’d recognize the flavor. But unlike other gummy snacks, these chewy character faces didn’t have that weird, super slick texture that has always prevented me from being a regular gummy consumer.
Ultimately, your brother’s girlfriend’s mother would enjoy this. It says, “You know what Crystal? Seeing these beloved film characters reminded me of your whimsical attitude, causing your visage to cross my mind briefly while I was enjoying time away from my workaday existence, because, gosh darn it, I care about you a little.”
You’re not really going to tell her it was the poorly rendered Harley-Davidson shoulder tattoo on the sleeveless, mulletted mid-westerner in front of you at the register. But we both know it was.