I’d like to think that when the zombie apocalypse actually does occur (my money’s on 2016), that I will be able to write a review of actual dried zombie skin. We will all be living under a skeleton government, food will be rationed, times will be tough, but hopefully there will still be a demand for reviews about food posted on the internet. Though the internet will only be operational for a few hours each day due to the rolling blackouts on our quickly deteriorating power grid.
Marvo will be holed up in an abandoned, well-fortified mansion on the Big Island, quipping about the finer points of the MREs and the canned sandwiches his malnourished minions have scavenged for him from nearby dilapidated military complexes.
Rodzilla will be braving the frigid Pittsburg winters to praise the merits of the various local cannibal cafes and road kill bistros that have survived the murderous turf wars now engulfing the once mighty city.
Victoria, deep in the woods of Virginia, will be typing obsessively about the various kinds of chocolate she still has left in her dwindling stash. Though sadly the “computer” she uses is nothing more than an old typewriter and a picture frame connected to an oak tree with the split and fraying Ethernet cord she once used to strangle a man (just to watch him die).
And, of course, everyone at Grub Grade will have set up a roving militia, plundering anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves alone and hiding in a shuttered Burger King alongside what is left of the country’s highway system.
But sadly, that day is not today. Today, future survivors, I can only write about Dried Zombie Skin, a novelty product from Harco Labs. Dried Zombie Skin is dried seaweed. Or more accurately dried seaweed, sunflower seed oil, sesame oil, and sea salt.
First, I must address “novelty food” as a concept. I define novelty food as being a food product, designed to be eaten, that has some sort of novel hook to engage the consumer. You have your sprays, your lights, shapes, flavors, etc. But in the end, the food is meant for consumption by someone, even if that someone is only a child.
There is a not so very fine line between a novelty food and a novelty prop that happens to be made of food. Dried Zombie Skin is the latter. I can’t imagine any child, adult, or even dirty hippie, ever willingly eating this package of dried seaweed. Now, I’ve eaten seaweed before, be it at various sushi restaurants or during particularly unsuccessful boogie boarding expeditions at the beach. But this seaweed is seaweed with a capital S. The drying process has harnessed every bit of flavor. Each piece is thin and crisp and delicate and like a punch in the face, while drowning. It is alarmingly and overwhelmingly seaweedy.
That being said, I really like the minimalist, medically suggestive packaging as well as the label design. It would look great on a shelf, perhaps next to a machete, or offered as a door prize at your next Halloween hootenanny. The idea behind it is solid and very well executed.
I can’t say I’ll ever finish the bag, but it is a cool piece to have around to spring on unsuspecting friends. And I’m sure when 2016 rolls around and it all pops off, I’ll look back fondly on this bag, as I’m flaying the skin off of the undead grocery store employee whose head I just smashed in with the one of the doors in the frozen food aisle, and yearn for simpler times.