A few months ago, I attended the wedding of my wife’s best friend. She and her husband live deep in the mountains of Pennsylvania and are part of an awesome hipster collective populated by various actors, artists, and miscreants. It was a fun time and will probably remain the only wedding I will attend in which references to Star Wars, zombies, and Fight Club were all made during the ceremony. Yea. The ceremony.

And they had donuts instead of a cake. I know!

They recently sent me this Cadbury Flake. I bet even their mailman has an ironic moustache.

Legend has it, and by legend I mean a Wikipedia article referencing a Cadbury website page that no longer exists, that the Flake was created in the 1920s when an employee noticed that when the excess chocolate from the molding process fell to whatever surface it fell to, the chocolate landed in this bizarre, wavy, flakey form you see before you.

As the Wikipedia link led nowhere, I just went to the Cadbury website and did a quick search for “Flake” using their stupidly corporate search function. The search query yielded eight results, three of which were links that led back to the home page, and none of which led directly to a page about Cadbury Flake.

When I finally tracked down the Flake page (Home Page > Our Products > Today (WTF?) > Bars > Cadbury Flake), I was treated to lots of helpful information about the bar and its history, and I walked away much more knowledgeable about the product.

Or I was given a 38-word paragraph about the Flake making process being a “closely guarded secret” that “no other chocolate manufacturer has ever managed to recreate” along with a picture that was measured less than 3 inches across.

When I finished punching my monitor repeatedly and replacing it with one from my backup monitor bin, I got to work on this review.

Cadbury Flake is milk chocolate poured out in thin ribbons, and then through some arcane act of wizardry, is folded back on itself. Somewhere during this process the bar takes on an unusual structure that is very crumbly and indeed flakey.

The chocolate is good. It’s Cadbury milk chocolate. You’ve had it. Though with the flakiness, it did seem just a tad dry. I guess you’ve got to make some tradeoffs when you’re dealing with such high level secrets.

The crumbling phenomenon is interesting. I’ve never had a chocolate bar that has behaved in such a way. When you bite, the chocolate collapses all over the bottom of you mouth, coating it in tiny flakes.

Another place the chocolate collapses to? EVERYWHERE ELSE!

I don’t know how you feel about candy bars, but when I decide to have a Snickers or a Twix, I’m not doing it while relaxing on a chaise lounge with an array of bibs, napkins, plates, and vacuums at my disposal. I’m usually eating them on the go or in the car, or occasionally as I’m paying for them at the gas station.

This Flake bar is by no means a mobile confection. It gets all over the place. I found myself eating it over the sink while assuming the Philly Cheesesteak Position: wide stance, butt out, and with a 45-degree forward lean. Had I been eating this as part of my usual home snacking routine, I’d still be picking chocolate shards out of my ample and luxurious chest hair.

I like this bar. It’s tasty and worth the texture experience, but it is a smudgy workplace disaster waiting to happen. I’d recommend going at it outdoors on a non-windy day while wearing dark colors. And if you can’t be bothered with all that, Just let it melt a little in your car. Then you can laugh at it, feeling all-powerful, having just taken away its only reason for being.

Sometimes you just feel like destroying something beautiful.

The Cadbury website is reason enough.

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