If any of you listened to the superb radio show Loveline back when it was hosted by my two favorite nonsexual mancrushes Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew, you would be familiar with a game they played called Germany or Florida. The premise of the game was that all news stories featuring bizarre, hellish, and macabre acts of evil always originate from either Germany or Florida. I have hundreds of hours of this show archived and listen to it while driving around town. So, it was less than shocking this week when I read about a naked man in Miami eating the face off of another man in the middle of the street in broad daylight.
Now we’ve all seen enough episodes of House to know that when a person is behaving weirdly or irrationally before the credit sequence starts, there is usually a perfectly rational explanation. In this case “the police” are saying it was drug-induced psychosis.
Now we’ve also all seen enough sci-fi and outbreak movies to know that when someone is naked and on the run and is shot by “the police,” the first bullet usually hits when the man is just about to reveal some horrifying secret about a government experiment gone terribly wrong.
I am not to first to postulate this theory, nor will I be the last, but clearly, this man was Patient Zero escaped from some secret lab and the zombie apocalypse we’ve all been waiting for is finally upon us. And it is starting less than five hours from my home!
Now we’ve all seen enough Romero films and Sex and the City episodes to know that once the unthinking, skeletal remains of a person start roaming around major metropolitan areas, things go to hell pretty quickly.
So from this point on preparation is key! People aren’t raiding grocery stores for now, so that gives us a little time. Don’t start drinking your pee just yet. Wait, that was Waterworld. Nevermind.
Our first step to find a viable, last resort source of nourishment in case things really get bad.
Today for your consideration are these Seven Oceans Standard Emergency Rations! Technically they are intended for those lost at sea, but we have to start somewhere. They are a product of Norway and are approved for emergency use in 30 countries. They also conform to the requirements of SOLAS (Safety of Life at Sea) which is the maritime safety treaty that was passed after the Titanic sank without any safety devices aboard except for a handful of rubber ducks they were feeding to the Irish in the lower decks.
These rations contain a mix of wheat flour, vegetable soya fat, sugar, malt, and vitamins C, B1, and B6. There 18 individual 140-calorie squares. They are packed in grease paper that is sealed in plastic that is vacuum sealed in aluminum foil that comes in a water repellant (shiny) cardboard box that has directions for consumption written in 14 languages. They are good for five years. And mine will expire in November of 2016.
I’m not playing around here, guys. This isn’t some 28 Days Later movie tie-in I found at MegaCon. This is the real deal.
How do they taste you ask? Well, not great, but not terrible. They have the consistency of the crumbly shortbread you find in those raspberry almond cookies people make at Christmas. They initially taste like shortbread too, but the slight sweetness of that, gives way to bland nothingness. Like eating shortbread if you were born without taste buds. I really got the feeling that I was consuming something very utilitarian that was intended to keep my bodily functions from failing.
Start stocking up on these now before the postal system is crippled. Those Doritos in your pantry aren’t going to last long. Once Frito-Lay is overrun and abandoned, chaos will soon follow. Chaos!
We can make it through this my friends. Remain calm. Think. And for God’s sake put down that pee! That was a different movie!