Snacklings, you know how it is. You’ve spent the last several hours leveling up your Gyarados. You’re just starting to dial him in. He’s almost the perfect killing machine. Then, you run into some stupid low level Diglett. Normally, not a problem, but he gets lucky and hits you with, not one, but two Sand Attacks. Two! Now you can’t hit the broad side of a barn. He’s wearing you down, slowly but surely, so you decide to go to the bullpen for some relief. Aarg! You remember you only have a Metapod. A Metapod? Why do you have a Metapod? Things only get worse, and needless to say, your day is ruined, and you start to question why you even got out of bed at three in the afternoon, anyway.
No, I’m not in the throes of a fever dream. No, I’m not having a stroke. It’s just some Pokémon.
During my college years, I spent my summers working as a counselor at a summer camp in the Catskills. While there, I met a ton of great people from all around the world, did the only real partying of my life, and was able to locate the whitest trash person that has ever lived. He was the caretaker of the camp, who I’m sure only even had a name because the government requires it. Seriously, he made those rustic scamps from Deliverance look like tenured Oxford professors. I also met the awesome lady who would eventually become my wife (she worked in the arts and crafts barn and gave me a pillow shaped like Dan from the Real World Miami).
It was good times.
My first summer there, in 1999, Pokémon was huge. Whenever my campers had any downtime before lunch, dinner, or lights out, every kid in the bunk would bust out his Gameboy and go at his copy of Pokémon Red, Blue, or Yellow. After a few weeks, the kids eventually convinced me to buy a Gameboy and a copy of the game. I got it at the “local” Walmart. Only 30 miles away! It remains the only Gameboy game I’ve ever owned.
I got completely hooked on it! Nearly 90 hours of Yellow gameplay that summer, and that’s not counting the countless hours spent talking strategy with my campers. I tried to keep up with the game in the months after camp, but it wasn’t the same. A solo PokéMaster is a lonely PokéMaster.
I’ve contemplated jumping back into some of the newer games, but now it looks completely over my head. And I don’t have any knowledgeable 12 year olds to explain everything to me.
Instead, I triumphantly return to the world of the pocket monster in packaged drink form! I picked this up at the Japan Pavilion on my last trip to Epcot. I don’t really know a lot about it because the site referenced on the pouch is in Japanese. I think it’s made by a company called Dragonfly.
What I can tell you is that it’s a sports drink, and I know this because of the following blurbs on the product page that have been translated Googley:
“I love everyone! Soft pouch convenient to carry the character of Pokémon. Person to accompany and outdoor exercise.”
“I is well-suited to replenish the fluid lost during exercise and sports festival, the children in the outdoors.”
I’m calling it Pokémon Sports Water. The pouches also come in Grape, Muscat, and Apple.
The nosegrope is slightly citrusy. It reminded me of a muted whiff of Sunny Delight.
The taste is hard to pin down so I’m going to use another comparison. It reminded me of Arctic Shatter Powerade. That flavor was rebranded as White Cherry, which I did not understand because I didn’t think it tasted like cherry, which makes this all the more confusing. It has a mild level of sweetness. It’s sort of citrusy. A little like flat Sprite. And you can definitely tell it’s a sports drink. You wouldn’t mistake it for a juice.
It’s not bad. I’ve had flavors of Gatorade that I haven’t liked as much. They should really bring these out of the back of the store and sell them iced out front. They’d be great for high noon theme park hydration.
So the next time you’re schlepping past the pagoda or out at a sports festival and you’re feeling Mega Drained, reach for a pouch of Pokémon Sports Water for a quick Replenish of your HP. It’s super effective!