I don’t understand the taboo around breast milk (weird sexual fetishists aside, of course).  It’s the only food that is universally celebrated in childhood and then universally forbidden in adulthood.  What if they did that with other childhood staples like chocolate chip cookies or Cinnamon Toast Crunch?  You get to eat some for a little while and then they take it away forever.  The world would be a sad place indeed, and that’s not just because my wife would kill herself.

When that company in London started serving ice cream made with breast milk a while back, people lost their minds in misguided outrage (the usual form of public outrage).  When I shared the news with an associate that I purchased these lollipops, she lost her mind in misguided outrage (the usual form of associate outrage).

I don’t get it, but I believe it’s all rooted in the inability in many human beings to grasp more than one issue at a time.  It’s been my experience with people (who are the worst) that when confronted with something strange, or even just mildly different, they default to righteous indignation.  The smarter of those humans can sometimes be swayed when someone like me (who is the best) points how that Situation A (which they are usually actively engaged in) is no different from Situation B or C or so on for the next 100 examples they didn’t bother to consider when forming they’re initial kneejerk reaction.  The dumber of those humans will never, and can never, be swayed because their reptile brains (my apologies to reptiles) will never be able to hold more than one thought at a time, much less make connections between two.

I’ll give you an example.  There was a local rally against Monsanto and their production of genetically modified organisms recently.  Dozens of outraged citizens marched down the street carrying low production-value protest signs and singing poorly conceived rhyming chants.  Because, you know, a few dozen bored soccer moms, highly impressionable college students, and aging hippies armed with poster board will change the mind of a faceless, possibly evil, obscenely large mega-corporation.

Now, I have nothing against GMOs because I haven’t done enough research to form an opinion, which is the way it should be (I really hope they’re not killing me).  But if you do have an informed, well-reasoned opinion, then by all means get out there and stand up for your beliefs.  The world needs thoughtful people.

It doesn’t need people marching on Saturday, standing up fervently for a headline they briefly glanced at on Friday.

What really irked me was a video I saw of the parking lot before the march.  It was filled to capacity with gas-guzzling SUVs, people carrying single-use bottles of water, and moms pushing gigantic strollers that will be buried in a landfill right up until the sun expands and swallows the earth whole.  And of course everyone was decked out in the usual trappings of rampant 21st century consumerism.

Now I certainly don’t have anything against consumer culture, but don’t expect me to take your soapbox shouting seriously when your soapbox is bejeweled and made of non-biodegradable plastic tinted a Kardashian-endorsed shade of pink that’s been colored with the blood of the Chinese children that produced it.

If you’re one of those people who may get outraged at the mention of breast milk-flavored lollipops, just relax and put down that McRib (or any other product that is equally terrible for you).  Everything is going to be alright.

Ok, enough of my soapboxing.

These lollipops are one of the latest offerings from Lollyphile, an Austin-based artisanal lollipop collective.  These are breast milk-flavored, but unfortunately contain no actual human breast milk.  Though the lollisters (coining that term for professional lollipop makers) claim they did procure the product of actual lactating humans for use in their attempts at flavor re-creation.  Sadly, I shan’t be able to verify the accuracy of this flavor as it has been some years 30+ since I’ve sampled that elixir of life.

Also, these lollipops are vegan (they are Austin-based, after all) which easily makes them the healthiest thing ever featured on this blog.

The nosegrope of the candy is vanilla-ish.  There was also a slight hint of something.  I don’t really know how to describe it.  Maybe it has something to do with the base of the candy?

The candy is sweet, though not too sweet, and there are hints of vanilla and marshmallow.  Like a toasted marshmallow Jelly Belly.  It’s creamy to be sure but oddly enough, not like any cream product I can recall sampling.  Also, there is something in the flavor that is tied in with that odd smell.  I’m failing as a food blogger here, but I don’t know what it is.  It’s not over the top, but there is a weird underflavor that lingers for a second after you’ve removed the candy from your mouth.  It can’t be intentional.  I honestly have no idea what it is.

Do they taste like breast milk?  I do not know, and I may never know.  Get with it, society!

Overall, these are pretty decent.  Obviously they are intended as an attention getter, which I am all for.  Though Lollyphile’s other flavors aren’t exactly run of the mill.  Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, Habanero Tequila, et al.

I don’t know if you’d be enjoying these as your afternoon candy of choice, but they are definitely worth trying.  Don’t act like you don’t want to.

Order some up and bring them to your next baby shower.  You’ll be the hit of the party.  Or you’ll be thrown out on the street and shunned.  You gotta get a read on the room first.  People are weird.

Or just be subversive.  Give them out and don’t tell them what they are.  What are they gonna do?  March?

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June 22, 2013

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