I’m not gonna say that the soda industry has jumped the shark. The soda industry has jumped the shark, circled back, netted it, dragged it ashore, beat it to death with a shovel, stuffed it, and hung it on a wall in a Red Lobster bathroom in Hoboken. I mean once you hit Turkey and Gravy Soda, all bets are off. Bacon Soda? Corn on the Cob? Ranch Dressing? That’s a slippery slope that will ultimately end up at Human. Yep. Human-flavored soda.
Soylent Green had it wrong. We’re supposed to believe that human beings willingly crossed over to consuming little green squares for nourishment? I don’t buy it. First of all, Americans would never eat squares that are that small. Soylent Green would have to come in blocks the size of bricks. At least. Second of all, Soylent Green is green. Good luck with that. Thirdly, it could never be cheaper than Ramen. And lastly, if you’re not going to bother deep frying it or topping it with cheese, forget it.
I argue you wouldn’t even need to deceive people. Forget Charlton Heston screaming in outrage. You could easily get the general public to consume other humans, if you played your cards right.
If your goal is to start preparing humans for long term consumption of other humans, it’s doable, but you have to build up to that slowly. Small incremental steps over time.
The key is fast food and soda. That’s where it’s going to happen. Toss a little human flesh into that burger. Dump a little plasma into that soda. Maybe a little plastic kidney in that kids’ meal (it could transform or whatever).
Over time, people will get used to the new flavors. You’ll slowly rewrite their taste programming. They won’t even notice. Then you hit ‘em with your buzzwords. One week it’s an angus burger, the next week humangus. Coca-Cola becomes Coca-Col-A-Negative. Buy off a few unethical junk food bloggers. Pique the curiosity of the internet. And you’re done. Full blown consumption of humans.
Then comes the madness and Thunderdome and leather loin cloths, of couse. But we’ll get a few years of societal normalcy before that.
Seriously, is it really that unbelievable?
But all is not lost! There is one company stemming the tide of that destruction by doing their best to advance the sodatorial arts. And that company is Sprecher, the soda and beer brewery in Wisconsin whose praises I have sung before.
Offered here today for your consideration is their Bootlegger’s Bourbon Barrel Hard Root Beer, an unholy 5% ABV hybrid of their two product lines.
The nosegrope is mostly root beer (they make great root beer) with subtle hints of vanilla. The malty, beery aroma is also there but not nearly as strong as I was expecting it to be. It smells like someone poured beer and root beer in the same glass. Quite literally.
The taste follows the nosegrope pretty exactly. Lots of big root beer flavor. Hints of vanilla. An underlying maltiness. And lots of carbonation. There may be bourbon notes in there too, as the name would suggest, but I don’t know if I’ve ever had bourbon. (I’m not very manly, which I’m sure you’ve gathered by now.) The only negative aspect of this is that it is very sweet. I don’t know if I could get through two at a sitting.
The root beer is definitely doing most of the flavor work, which is good because, again, they make good root beer. It’s smooth. There is a little tang at the finish, but overall the malty alcohol isn’t very assertive. It brought to mind the malt/soda coexistence of Mountain Dew’s Johnson City Gold.
If you can get your hands on this, then do. It’s pretty good.
I’m not saying that Sprecher is singlehandedly reining in our headlong plunge into cannibalistic indoctrination, but they are at least doing their part to yank the wheel of the rusty, Mad Maxian war bus slightly to the left.
And really, that’s what you want in a soda company.