I don’t listen to music.  Well, that’s not fair, everyone listens to music.  I don’t pursue music.  Some people love music.  My wife is never not listening to music (or singing or humming or whistling).  But I am indifferent.

I want to like music.  I want to be a music guy.  I make a nominal effort every month or so.  I load up a bunch of songs, proclaiming that this will be the month where I listen to music.  But it never happens.

These were the five songs that came up when I randomly shuffled everything on my phone just now:

    • “Rightstarter (Message to a Black Man)” by Public Enemy (I’ve never heard this song before now.)
    • “Fuzzy Dice” by Optimus Rhyme
    • “Crawling the Walls” by David Gross
    • “Running Right Through the World” by The Toasters
    • “Jump With My Baby” by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

If that’s not enough for you, I can tell you every single song I’ve listened to this entire week.  Because there are only three:

    • The aforementioned “Crawling the Walls” by David Gross
    • “Goin’ In (Skrillex Goin’ Down Mix)” by Birdy Nam Nam (due to my recent obsession with Spring Breakers)
    • “The Dope Show” by Marilyn Manson (in the shower, because sometimes a man’s gotta sing)

If I gave you my top five favorite albums, you’d probably stop hanging out with me.  But you can judge me.  It’s fine.  I made peace with it a long time ago.  I’m cool in other ways.

That’s not to say I live surrounded by ambient noise just listening to my own thoughts.  The horror.

I listen to podcasts.  Tons and tons of podcasts.  All the time.  Driving, jogging, cooking, avoiding the possibility of talking to strangers.  All the time.  My wife hates it.  “How can you just listen to people talking all the time?!”  But I love them.  They stimulate my brain like music doesn’t.

So recently, I was listening to FEaB, a podcast with Matt Mira of the Nerdist empire and Scott Mosier of the View Askew universe.  They were talking about airplane beverage service, and one of them brought up Clamato, today’s tomato and clam beverage invented by two maniacs in the 1960s that wanted a cocktail in the style of Manhattan clam chowder.  Because I guess eating soup and getting drunk was just taking too much time to do separately.

It’s been on my radar for years, but I’d never had it or remembered even seeing it anywhere.  They mocked it thoroughly, and it was quite entertaining.

So I started to wonder what the most mocked food product of all time is.  You know, the stuff that’s been the punch line of the most jokes or just the most universally insulted.

After surveying some associates, I have compiled a tentative list of ten contenders in no particular order.  Your input is appreciated.

    • New Coke
    • Zima
    • Crystal Pepsi
    • Hot Pockets
    • McGriddles
    • Cheez Whiz
    • Spam
    • Clamato
    • Funyuns
    • McRib

I think Clamato is mocked mostly for its name.  Partly for the clam thing, but mostly for its name.  It’s a pretty bad name.  But then, what else would you call an “invigorating mix of tomato juice, spices, and a touch of clam”?  A touch of clam.  I could not find that phrase any funnier.  I was going to use it in a cover band joke but thought better of it.  Your input is appreciated.

I thought this was going to be a hard to find product.  Wikipedia assured me it is popular in Canada and Mexico but less so in the U.S.  But there it was in my local grocer.  Not a few stray, dusty bottles either.  Like three feet of shelf space.  With three different sizes and two varieties!  I had no idea.

The nosegrope of Clamato is more of store bought spaghetti sauce than straight tomato juice.  Seems that’s where the spices (onion and garlic powder) come in.  I couldn’t discern the touch of clam.

Going in, I was expecting the flavor of Clamato to fall somewhere in between a clam explosion and an old timey sea captain’s beard.  But it didn’t.  They’re not lying when they say a touch of clam.  It’s surprisingly subtle.  It’s there, but the spaghetti sauce flavor is the most in your face.  That and the salt.  It’s salty.  Eight-hundred milligrams of sodium per eight ounces.  Blimey.

I didn’t have the clams to mix this stuff with beer, but I did whip up a Caesar, which is a Bloody Mary made with Clamato.  Not bad.  Still salty.  Probably not going to be my go-to cocktail.

And what makes this a cocktail and not a cold soup anyway?  It’s made with dried clam broth.  It’s got spices.  I’ve had less flavorful soups than this.  Is it just because it’s in a bottle?  Served in a glass and not a bowl?  Again, your input is appreciated.

I was really hoping for something disastrous with Clamato, but altogether, it’s not bad.  I don’t know if I would drink it even semi-regularly, but someone is enjoying it.  To each his own, I say!  I love podcasts, my wife likes music, and somewhere a dude is getting loose with clam and tomato juice.  We’re all stars now in the dope show! (I didn’t really know how to end this.)