With Halloween only mere moments away, I’m here to crank out the Halloween-themed post that is required by the Junk Food Bloggers Alliance.  Through nothing but my own oversight (possibly hubris), I won’t have enough time to also review something with pumpkin squashed into it.  I’ll just pay the fine and hope that the sanctions issued against me at my trial aren’t too severe.   So next week, if you notice Food Junk has converted to all comic sans, you’ll know what happened.  Sanctions rarely last longer than six months.  And you can always appeal to the triumvirate.  They rarely give quarter, but it never hurts to try.  Well, unless you violate Nafziger’s Rules of Order.  Then they will hurt you.

I wanted my Halloween post to have the most impact that it possibly could on the foodoblogosphere, so I decided to review some products that every single food blogger on the Internet has already done.   And done months ago at that.  You might say I’m late to the party, but I argue that they were way too early to the party and were just standing around awkwardly while the party host, who hadn’t even changed into their party hosting attire yet, was still setting up the buffet line and lighting the candles in all of the jack o’ lanterns.

You all know about General Mills’ Monster Cereals, so I’ll skip the history lesson.  Suffice it to say that the comeback of the long-discontinued Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy got a lot of people excited.  They’re pretty awesome in that they harken back to a bygone era of cereal greatness.  Five monster-themed cereals?!  Come on.  I don’t think you could pull that off today.

Since these cereals have been covered to death (probably far better than I will do here), today I am going to don the hat of the cereal sommelier (it’s a thing) and offer up some scary movies suggestions that I think will pair quite well with the monster cereal of your choice.

We’ll start with Count Chocula.  It’s been around since time immemorial (1971).  It has always been , and still is, my favorite of the Monster Cereals.  It’s not overly sweet nor is it overly chocolatey nor does it overwhelm with sheer marshmallow intensity.  Actually, I enjoyed the restraint exercised by all five cereals with regards to marshmallow distribution.   My twelve-year-old self would be disgusted with that sentence.

What kind of horror film pairs with Count Chocula?  A vampire film, of course.   And I would recommend one of my favorites: the 2008 Swedish film Let the Right One In.  It’s restrained and quiet and bleak and intense and awesome.  It makes me want to move to Sweden and brood.  Very quietly.

Next up, Franken Berry.  Strong artificial strawberry flavors balanced, again, with just the right amount of sweet marshmallows.  Enjoyable, though not as strong as the Count.

Franken Berry would pair delightfully with the first ever filmed version of Mary Shelley’s classic tale.  It’s simply called Frankenstein, and it was made in 1910 at Edison Studios, a film production company studio owned by Thomas Edison.  It’s only 12 minutes long and totally worth a watch because GOOD GOD IT WAS MADE IN 1910!  The monster creation scene is great, and the special effects are surprisingly good CONSIDERING GOOD GOD IT WAS MADE IN 1910!

Making a much hyped comeback this year is Yummy Mummy.  Yummy Mummy rose to fame in the brief window from 1987 to 1993.  It is an orange cream flavored cereal that does indeed taste like an orange Creamsicle.  It can be a little strong and sharp at times, but if orange Creamsicles for breakfast are your thing (and I’m sure it’s somebody’s thing) then by all means scoop up these boxes before they disappear!

When one thinks of a mummy movie to pair with Yummy Mummy, one might think of any film from The Mummy franchise.  Those people are dumb.  Instead, you should watch 2002’s Bubba Ho-Tep.  It’s directed by The Beastmaster director Don Coscarelli and stars Bruce Campbell as an aging Elvis Presley living out the rest of his days in a quiet retirement home with an African-American gentleman who may or may not be John F. Kennedy.  And he has to fight an evil mummy.  It is a delight.  Well worth your time.

If orange is not your thing, perhaps cherry is.  How about a bowl of Frute Brute?  Fruit Brute hasn’t been seen on breakfast tables since 1984! Which is a tragedy because it’s great.  I’d never had this cereal before and was surprised by how much I liked it.  I figured it was discontinued for a reason, right?  But the cherry flavor works.  It’s not as strong as Franken Berry and certainly not as strong as Yummy Mummy.  easily the best of the two unretirees.

One of my favorite werewolf movies is Dog Soldiers.  It’s also from 2002 and was helmed by Neil Marshall who directed another one of my favorite horror movies, The DescentDog Soldiers is simple.  It’s British soldiers holed up in a country house fighting off a pack werewolves.  Do you need more than that?  No.  You do not.

Last and certainly least is Boo Berry.  I liked the blueberry flavor of the cereal overall, but it reminded me too much of any other berry-flavored cereal.  I also thought its flavor was the most fleeting.  Didn’t seem to hang out on the tongue long.  Like it wasn’t even there at all.  Or was it?!  It was.  Or was it?!

What goes with a blueberry cereal that has a stoned ghost on its box?  Only one of the best ghost movies ever!  Of course I am speaking of Ghost Dad Susie Q The Frighteners!  It’s light and fun.  And you want something light and fun around Halloween, especially if you’ve just watched four other movies and are in the middle of your fifth bowl of cereal.  It stars ghosts, special effects, the guiding hand of Peter Jackson, Michael J. Fox and a Busey.  Stop.  You had me at a Busey.

In the end, my Monster Cereal rankings are as follows in order of best to least best:  Count Chocula, Frute Brute, Franken Berry, Boo Berry, and Yummy Mummy.  Holiday post: accomplished.  See you at Thanksgiving.

Happy Halloween, everyone!  Don’t fill up on cereal!  Save room for candy!