Sometimes in life, things happen that forever change the way you see the world.  Events so profound, that they shake your very foundation.  Events so beautiful, so sublime, that you wonder how you even lived your life before them.  It could be the first time you kissed your true love.  The first time you saw your child’s smile.  The first time you were nuzzled by your best furry friend.  You suddenly realize that there’s been a hole within you, the exact shape of these events.

These events are revelatory.  They inspire tears.  They inspire joy.

Today, my friends, we are here to discuss one of these events.

You can now make Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits at home.  I’ll allow you a moment to collect yourself then I’ll repeat that.

You can now make Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, arguably the greatest food that has ever existed, in the comfort of your own home.

Yes.  Dry your eyes.

This paradigm shifting product was first brought to my attention a few weeks ago when a Twitter friend posted a picture of it on his feed.  Well, needless to say, I was excited.  Certainly, I am not a crazed Red Lobster fanatic.  I’ve eaten there many times because like you, dear friends, I have old people in my family, and occasionally they have birthdays.  I also have students who, despite being around me for an hour a day, for as many as three years, don’t really know what my actual interests are. Some people bash on Red Lobster, like they do the Olive Garden, but I think both restaurants are fine for what they are.  People have to eat.

Anyway, I took to the web and discovered that these were available at Sam’s Club.  Sadly, I am not a member of Sam’s Club because I live in a small apartment, and it’s hard to find a place to store a small apartment-sized box of Club Crackers in a small apartment-sized apartment. Later, I found out that, like everything, you can buy them on Amazon.  But by then a work associate picked up a box for me, so here we are.

These biscuits come with some assembly required.  You have to add a little water, some cheddar cheese, and then melt some butter to mix with the garlic seasoning powder to brush on after baking, but these are small prices to pay for a fleeting glimpse of the divine spark that lies hidden behind the harsh reality of existence.

These biscuits are fantastic.  They are indeed faithful recreations of the biscuits sold at the Red Lobsters all across this great land.  They are garlicky and cheesy and salty and delicious. The only flavor missing is the slight dash of lemon cast about the top of each biscuit.  But it’s not a big deal.  The handful of parsley flakes is missing too, but who cares?  You can add that if you really have to.

This is one of th0ose products that I can’t believe wasn’t put on shelves eons ago.  Cheddar Bay Biscuits are really popular.  They are the stuff of legend.  Whatever Red Lobsterian it was who decided to take the mix out of the restaurant kitchen and put it in stores is a genius.  I’d like to shake his claw.

If you’ve never been to a Red Lobster (where do your elderly celebrate birthdays?), you should really do yourself a favor and pick up a box of this mix.  Each box makes around thirty biscuits.  Perfect for sharing with friends at your next get together.

Or for covering yourself with while lying in a bath tub listening to Otis Redding’s “(Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay” on repeat.  Which I will be doing immediately and until my blood turns to salt crystals.