Well, what’s going on, everybody?  How are the kids?  Everyone still doing alright?  Watching the shows and tweeting the memes and such?  Presidential race, etc.

It’s been a while, eh?

I’m doing ok.  I mean I’m in the midst of a full-on, clichéd mid-life crisis, but other than that everything is great.  Ok, it’s not like the thing with a bald spot and the new convertible sports car.  It’s more like a constant feeling of existential angst and dread and sadness that never goes away no matter what I do kind of a thing.  You know what I mean?  And it’s not all the time.  Just like when I’m awake.  And sometimes when I dream.

Spreadable Twix 1

So yea, I just kinda hang back these days and watch the reviews hit the webs, endlessly thumb-scrolling through the feeds, curled into a fetal position on the floor.  Maybe I’ll get a waterproof case for the phone, and I could curl up on the floor of the shower.  Ya know, change things up a little.

All the intrepid reviewists in the foodoblogosphere seem to be doing quite well covering all the new stuff.  With all the Peep flavors and Oreo varieties and whatever monstrosity Pizza Hut is unleashing upon the world.  Everyone seems to have it well covered.  With great power, comes great responsibility.  Or something.  Another comic book reference.  I dunno. Who cares?  Did you guys see Jessica Jones?  Pretty great, huh?

Anywho, every once in a while, I’ll see something pass through the stream.  Something alarming, that signals another step in our evolution from active humans to Wall-E-style meat sacks.  Usually it’s someone putting a food into another food.  Or multiple foods into a food.  But this time it’s a liquification.  Those are always alarming, right?  Like when cheese could become permanently liquid?  That was one of those milestones.  It’ll be a moment of importance when the AI that we created finally return to the Earth to comb through the ashes of civilization.

Spreadable Twix 2

This might be another milestone.  Spreadable Twix.  (Cue Sam Neill shakily taking off his sunglasses looking at brachiosauruses.)

This was released in the UK. And as soon as I saw it, I got my best British mate, Clara, on the job.  She sent it over post-haste and it arrived this weekend.  Thanks, Clara!

And you can totally tell it’s British with all the “flavours” (lol) and “grams” (wth).  According to Mashable, Mars said that Spreadable Twix is best enjoyed “spread over warm toast or a crumpet, dunked with a breadstick, or topped on a cake or waffle.”  First of all, crumpets.  We get it.  You have a royal family.  You’re better than us.  Second of all, Mars, don’t act like my finger’s not going right in the jar and then right into my mouth.  Have you ever heard of peanut butter?  Or cookie butter?  Or the caviar at that fancy restaurant at which I am no longer welcome?

Spreadable Twix 3

The nosegrope is very caramelly and chocolatey.  Obv.  The color is Twix- accurate.  It’s smooth and creamy and studded with little bits of Twix cookie.  Or “biscuits” (omg).

The taste is not quite what I was expecting.  I mean, I was expecting a Twix, and it’s not that.  The caramel and chocolate flavors have blended into each other because, you know, the caramel and chocolate have been blended.  The recipe has to be different to account for the change in architecture.  The chocolate on a Twix and the caramel in a Twix, when stirred together, would not give you this consistency.  Whatever that tweak was, changed the Twix flavor.  It makes this taste like a generic cookie butter, or some such.  It’s just off.

Spreadable Twix 4

Spreadable Twix is certainly a delicious treat, and I am going to have no qualms about finishing the jar.  Sure, I’ll have shame, but no qualms.  It’s just a Twix this is not.  It could be Twixier.  (Couldn’t we all?)

If you can get your hands on some, go for it.  You’ll like it and it’ll start a conversation.

Also, the idea just occurred to me to dunk an actual Twix in this stuff and eat both together.  That’ll certainly stave off the void for a few blissful minutes.  (nom nom existential sigh nom)

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April 5, 2016

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