Checking through my 70 or so saved search terms on eBay is one of the highlights of my day. It’s a part of my unwinding process after work. The majority of my searches involve some aspect of vintage food culture, toys from days gone by, or Disney artifacts, with the occasional “unopened Deal a Meal” thrown in for good measure. Only rarely does an item pop up that really peaks my interest. I mean it’s all cool stuff or I wouldn’t be looking at it, it’s just that I’ve seen most of it before. I know all the Jell-O cookbooks, I know all of the releases in the Over the Top toy line, and if something exists with the words “Crystal Pepsi” printed on it, I’ve seen it. Ten times over.
However, once in a harvest moon something does emerge that makes me sit up and take notice. And you can be sure this lunch pack from San Quentin was one of them. In this case, I found it by linking through to an item that popped up under my very broad “Kool-Aid” search. Of course I had to inquire about how the seller came into such an unusual item. He assured me that he had indeed done time at the aforementioned institution, and I left it at that. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so in my mind, I’ve imagined it as a Nicholas Cage in Con-Air situation. Hopefully it’s not a Steve Buscemi in Con-Air situation. Come to think of it he never actually mentioned being released…
Ok guys, everyone just be cool.
If you don’t know (because I didn’t), San Quentin State Prison is located in California. It has the largest Death Row of any prison in the United States, is the oldest prison in California, houses a total of 4,000 inmates, and has a “Notable Inmates” section on Wikipedia that reads like a goddamn nightmare.
Now, I’m not going to say I‘m an expert on prison culture per se, but I’ve seen Oz and feel my spoken word poetry skills are more than adequate to keep me from being nailed to the floor. And I’ve watched Orange is the New Black twice. So I’m reasonably sure I’d be able to survive on the inside of a prison women’s prison minimum security women’s prison.
I know that in prison food is a big deal. For example, food from the outside, like a Twinkie, can be bartered for a light maiming. A sleeve of Oreos can be traded for a brutal murder. (Just ballparking here. Not really sure of the various exchange rates.) I’m not sure what could be had for food that is already on the inside. Maybe an extra dinner roll could buy you a scathing indictment of the family environment in which an enemy was raised.
I’d imagine a whole lunch pack could get you something fairly decent. Here’s what we have to work with: a package of peanut butter, a package of jelly, some Kool-Aid-ish instant drink mix packs, and some Pepperidge Farms Dark Chocolate Milanos (I know!). I was told the coffee packs are not usually included. They were “gifts.” Not sure if the eBay seller meant they were a gift to inmates or a gift to me. Oh god, do I owe this guy a favor now?!
Also, included with this pack was a package of bread. Sadly, I was out of town when it was delivered, and instead of leaving it in one of the many locked mailboxes my complex has, it was left on my door, because the U.S. Postal Service is really good at what they do. Anyway, the neighborhood raccoon gnawed his way into the box and absconded with my bread. So we’re working without.
The instant drink mix came in three flavors: Grape, Lemon, and Punch. They are pre-sweetened with aspartame and contain 25% of your recommended daily intake of vitamin D. So that’s good. All of them taste like second or third tier whatever the lowest tier of instant drink mix is. Kool-Aid they are not. Even though they are labeled pre-sweetened, they are not very sweet at all. If your mom ever forgot to add the sugar when she was brewing up a batch of Kool-Aid (which happened in my house every now and then), that’s the sweetness level we’re talking about. They’re pretty tart, and even though we don’t get the sweetness of the aspartame, we still get the horrible aftertaste. Not good.
The jelly pack is Mixed Fruit, the most heinous and generic of all of the jelly flavors. It’s very thick, very sweet, and very artificial. It vaguely tastes of fruit, or “fruit.” It leans a little in the strawberry direction, though not a whole lot. Not inedible.
The peanut butter is like spackle. It’s crazy thick. Crazy thick! It’s also a bit grainy. But truth be told it doesn’t taste that bad. It’s peanut butter, after all, how far off the rails could it possible go?
The instant coffee is unequivocally the worst coffee I’ve ever had. It smells a little like caramel, a little like coffee, and a lot like burnt wood. And judging from the taste, it seems to be brewed from the grounds of cardboard and sawdust. And not fresh sawdust either. Old, stale, driveway sawdust. To add insult to injury, it’s not even very strong. I would think it would be better to not give inmates this coffee. Why would you remind them of the best beverage in the world by giving them the absolute worst version of that beverage? Or maybe that’s part of the punishment. Drinking this swill would put me back on the straight and narrow immediately.
Lastly, and quite unbelievably, we have the Dark Chocolate Milanos. Now, I could imagine cookies being served in prison, but I would have thought they were those bagged, bottom shelf pucks that absolutely horrible people begrudgingly bring to holiday office gatherings. You know the ones. Those are the people that should be locked up! I would have never imagined anything from Pepperidge Farm. Who knew? These Milanos are delightful. As Milanos always are. They were fresh, and thanks to the sturdy plastic tray inside the bag, both cookies were still in one piece. Good form, Pepperidge Farm. These cookies could easily buy you a night of companionship. I’d assume. Just don’t serve them with the coffee.
Hopefully, this is as close as I’ll ever get to having any kind of prison experience. It was bad enough for me. I think I’m going to open a window, have a beer, maybe get some sun on my face. I might even head out to that big hayfield up near Buxton and get busy living. Because you know what the alternative is.
No syrup or jelly? Tossed Salad Man would be disappointed in your lunch….
I’ve driven in the vicinity of San Quentin, and what would infuriate me if I’m ever locked up there (which . . . okay, might be a long shot considering it’s a MEN’S prison and also I don’t plan to break any major laws) is that it’s in SUCH a beautiful location.
The jelly looks very, very strange. You’d think it’d be cheapest to just make the PB and jelly there, using the raw ingredients. Kinda like you can make your own PB using just peanuts in grocery stores. The kool-aid-y drink is just bizarre. Why include that?? Why not just offer water or tea? Surely Lipton, bought in bulk, can’t be all that expensive. This IS the Bay Area. Our inmates need some green tea and organic PB dammit!
Haha, best comment ever. Look at Alcatraz, that’s a beautiful location! And I agree they should go with ice tea mix.
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@Princess
That’s not the stuff given out for meals by the prison. Those are items that the inmates can purchase (or have purchased for them) from the commissary. Usually it’s an outside vendor that handles commissary.
Oh, and thanks for sharing 🙂 This was a fun read!
Thank you for reading!
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Hilarious read!
I wouldn’t normally be searching eBay for food items to review but it seems like a good place to start looking for food to review. I wonder if they bread item was an institution loaf? (I know about it since my FIL works in a Nevada state prison and from Orange is the New Black.) Seems appropriate that a raccoon would steal is since it already has stripes on its fur.
Haha, everyone’s gotta eat
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Hilarious as ever 🙂
Thanks!
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Good job. That was some funny stuff…
Thank you, sir
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I’m going to read the entry because I am sure it is as brilliant as the others up here, but I just read the title of this entry and I started laughing.
Haha, thank you
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I think your filter is eating my comments again. Maybe I should take it’s advice.
I have a lot of profanity in my filter. About a year ago I had someone constantly leaving ridiculous and abusive comments like three times a day. They kept getting around the IP block I had.
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lol Check it again, FJ. This is starting to get fun. And by the way, this is yet another of the many reasons I don’t have a blog– because of jerks like myself.
Haha, I don’t mind. I guess you could be doing far more terrible things.
Seriously though, now that I know that, I’ll try and keep it in mind when commenting. Although, some of my comments have been picked off even without any swearing, so who knows. Like I said before, it’s not like the world is gonna come grinding to a halt because I can’t shoot my mouth off about something.
“Mixed Fruit, the most heinous and generic of all of the jelly flavors…”
Hey. I LOVED mixed fruit jelly in the little peel-off white tubs at International House of Pancakes, Perkins, Howard Johnson’s, and all the other low-rent establishments my hippy/square macrobiotic parents took me to in the 70s “for a treat.” When that’s the only processed sugar you get to see in months, you get pretty damned enamored. And bubblegum ice cream.
“…a little like caramel, a little like coffee, and a lot like burnt wood….”
You copied that straight off a Starbucks menu, didn’t you? I knew it.
“Good form, Pepperidge Farm.”
Seriously? Tossing casual worship at a company that charges designer shoe prices for six dry little biscuits that you have to perform an archaeological excavation with a Leatherman through three layers of packaging to expose? Why not be done with it and just pour melted 60% cacao Ghirardelli chips over your nipples and sprinkle some shortbread cookie crumbs on top? Wait…did I just say that out loud?
Wait, WHERE’D THE BALL GO?!?
(smirk)
Where’s your blog, JB50? Your writing is probably hysterical. Or shudder inducing. Either way.
I have clearly lost control of this comment thread. Just lock the door and turn off the lights when you two leave. Haha, don’t destroy anything. Especially he Elvis vase.
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He followed me in here. I’m a cat person.
Haha!
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Fun fact brought to you by insomnia and the internet:
The “mystery flavor” Dum-Dum Pop is truly random. The Spangler Candy Company combines the last of their flavorings at the end of a production run to turn out lollipops of mixed (and mysterious) flavors.
So, stick THAT in your mixed fruit jelly and spread it.
I can barely navigate a comment thread. I don’t figure I’d have a chance at running a blog. I don’t even really use social media sites (besides reading blogs, obviously). By limiting my thoughts to occasional blog comments, I’m able to offer my snark in concentrated, dickish reply form instead of stretching it out into a full blog form, thus watering it down.
And don’t worry Junk, no one’s gonna hurt your Elvis vase. You do mean Costello, right? Because screw that other guy. Also, how have you left us fixed for liquor?
That’s not the pioneering spirit. Think of all the young ‘uns you could addle.
And all FJ had left was two cans of Mike’s Harder Lemon and half a bottle of Canadian Mist. So, I mixed ’em. Don’t ever do that.
Good lord, there’s not enough Prilosec in the world to make me drink that. And anyways, I give FoodJunk more credit than that. There are way too many good breweries around here to have that kind of shit in your fridge. And I’m saying “shit” because I want this to get stuck in his spam filter so that I can harass him and make him go retrieve my comments. Grrr. Now I want a beer and I’m stuck at work for nine more hours.
Simple solution: work at a brewery.
Yeah, law enforcement policies on drinking during work are maybe not as liberal as brewery guidelines. Not quite sure how to read your comment though. Are you saying you work at a brewery?
I live in Portland, Oregon. I don’t HAVE to live in one.
Hi, not trying to be a dick head or a grammar nazi, but it’s ‘piqued’ my interest, not ‘peaked’. Piqued is derived from ‘piquante’ meaning hot/spicy, it means that something excited your interest, rather than your interest reached a climax. Hope you don’t take offence at me pointing this out, it’s like when you have snot on your face but nobody tells you. All the best
No offense taken at all. I appreciate it. I think I knew that. I feel like I’ve looked that up for another post at one time. Thanks!
I think you’ve just made eBay seem fresh again! I wonder if Johnny Cash ever shopped at the San Quentin commissary when he visited.
And one last thing…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyqfHvoUtkU#t=54
Awesome.
Food Junk is middle back row. The one with the cute butt.
…and the slightly larger codpiece.
Roar!
Irrelevant to the thread but highly relevant to the author: http://consumerist.com/2014/01/22/shocking-news-all-froot-loop-colors-are-really-the-same-flavor/
Everything we know is a lie!
Don’t worry, if you eat enough of it in one sitting, it’ll still turn your poo slightly green. So, there’s that.
You better be crossing the Ts and dotting the Is on that Spam post or I’ll…I’ll…have work out my aggressions on the Freshly Pressed ghost hunter I’m currently tormenting.
Green poo… that was a neat trick that Mountain Dew Pitch Black (heavy purple dye) could do… turn your expels a dark guacamole green.
A dark purple, caffeine-free Mountain Dew? There are no words. Damned Canadians.
And you chugged this stuff? You lead a strange life, High Altitudes. Say, are the “altitudes” due to wings or hiking boots? Either way: coolness.
Caffeine free? No, no, no… caffeinated AND purple…very purple…black almost… well, as dark as purple can get without being black and yet call itself purple… if it could talk that is.
The “altitudes” are due to being in Colorado.
Can-AY-da had a caffeine free version. I mean, if you’re gonna rot your hillbilly teeth out, why not enjoy a fine buzz while you’re at it? Otherwise, what’s the point?
http://mountaindew.wikia.com/wiki/Pitch_Black
Highest I ever got in Colorado was 14,440 feet when I summited Mt. Elbert. Highly recommended. Get it? (giggle, snort)
Caffeine free Dew is like no alcohol beer…. for people who don’t want to get drunk but still like to urinate.
Hahahaha!
Like Jim Gaffigan says, “There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t wanna eat meat but would still like diarrhea.”
I’ll bet Food Junk knows his way around a Hot Pocket….
There’s a joke in that somewhere but I’ll leave it alone, discretion is the better part of valor (or valour for you English freaks).
Vital stats for your research, Food Junk: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/27/disappointing-foods-photos_n_4661712.html
Haha, that’s awesome. And I do not get red velvet cake. At all.
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Here’s the lowdown on the Red Velvet Scourge.
Back in the day (like a really, really ancient day before the Great Depression, when you were a kid), before cocoa powder was processed all to hell, it had natural, harmless chemical compounds in it called anthocyanins. In the presence of acids, anthocyanins turn slightly reddish in color. Hence, chocolate cake–which was commonly made with a touch of vinegar and a lot of buttermilk to fluff it up (remember the fluffy vinegar volcanoes in science class?)–was slightly red. Slightly red, not autopsy red.
Now, we have alkalinized, processed, Dutched, mutilated, molested, and bruised cocoa powder. Like Superman before a boulder of Krytonite, it’s lost all its special powers. But tradition reigns, especially in the South. To get that old fashioned reddish fluffiness, you have to add an entire bottle of DNA-shriveling red food coloring to make it happen. Gross.
If you want an authentic Red Velvet Cake experience without all the potential spontaneous gender reversal from the dyes, just spread a heavy layer of cream cheese frosting on top of a rich chocolate cake made with buttermilk. Same diff.
Damnit, now I’m hungry.
MMMMMmmmmmm…. Red Velvet Hot Pockets…..
You’re a sick man, High. Come sit next to me.
Not even with Food Junk’s hiney…
Food Junk’s Storm Trooper hatchback is pretty much your only hope on that score, anyway.
They aren’t the same person?
No, Food Junk can whip out his gentleman alter ego needs be. Storm Troopers are just evil. Sexy in a robotic-thigh-strength kind of way, but evil.
I’ll take a Mango Slushie, some JuJu Bees, popcorn extra butter and a Kevlar vest please….
I never knew any of that! Such learning happening here in the comments section.
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It’s like the chatter in the seats while the audience waits for the movie to start.
(Looks at watch and taps foot impatiently.)
It’s all fun and games until someone texts, throws popcorn, and the guns come out.
Ugh, that was local news here
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Confession time: I’ve fantasized about committing similar acts against humanity. Especially humanity that brings its squalling three-year-old to a two hour movie and then lets them run up and down the aisles for entertainment.
I’m not saying bullets, here. Just some nice, lesson-instilling rock salt. What I don’t use I’ll just sprinkle on High Altitude’s greasy popcorn. Everybody’s happy.
Want to have fun at the movie theater? Catch a few dozen moths and take them into the theater in a Ziploc or such… let them loose and watch comedy ensue.
Why, because they gravitate towards the projected light? Um..okay. What do you do for an encore? Release a bushel basket of locusts down the aisle?
More fun would be to wrangle about half a dozen of those mechanical drones fashioned after bees. Give each of your friends a remote and start targeting bald heads. When people start slapping, stand up and yell, “The killer bees are here!” Just don’t block an exit.
Tired of the old staid and generic avatar… put on somethin’ comfy.
+20 points for using the word “staid.”
-50 points for using a selfie.
I’ll have my red velvet cake and eat it too.
Okay, Food Junk, I’ve been Freshly Pressed. The gauntlet is down. Neener, neener.
Get crackin’.
http://allthoughtsworkoutdoors1.wordpress.com/2014/01/28/13-hiking-tips-for-the-lower-oneonta-falls-virgin-9-4-06/
Congrats! Sadly, I was thinking about retiring Food Junk for a while, if not permanently.
What the hell? How could you? Do you have any idea how many ingrate heathens live by your example?
At least wean us off slowly. How about one post a month? Start with Spam.
Haha, it seems I’m already on the one post a month schedule
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In all seriousness, FJ, I really admire your blog. You’ve created something clever, snarky, and enjoyable and that is a rare pleasure on WordPress.
I never follow a blog (deep fear of Google and internet privacy masturbations) but I bookmark one or two. You are one of my bookmarks.
No problem if you gotta bail but give me fair warning so I can buy of box of those medicated, moisturized boxes of Kleenez. Because there WILL by crying.
And Jerbear50 will probably off himself. He doesn’t have much to live for, ya know.
But no pressure.
Negative, FJ. Pass on the thinking, make with the writing.
Hey, for our (your readers, that is) sake I hope you keep going, but obviously you’ve gotta take care of whatever you’ve got going on in your life. If you ever have the misfortune to find yourself up near Pasco and in need of a drink or two, I got you covered.
Well, if you must go, here is a parting gift for your brain-rotting pleasure. Never say I didn’t give you nothin’. Be well.
http://www.angryalien.com/
As long as there are good beers and women with bad judgement, there is plenty to live for.
Not for the women.
*rimshot
Well, you’re just a bundle of friendly tonight, aren’t you?
Thanks for the encouragement! Both of you. Nothing decided yet. Could be a hiatus. I dunno.
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/Taps watch
//sighs